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Harris
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 2:30 am    Post subject: RhyDin Rewind Reply with quote

[Excerpt from RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 001, JUL 5 2012]

The chorus of "Swagga Like Us" rolls, fading slowly once Harris begins to speak.

Harris: So, when are we on the air? When the "On Air" sign flashes? It's flashing now. Oh. Ahem. Gooooooooooood morning Vietnam! Our signal doesn't reach Vietnam? Well, I guess it's just good morning RhyDin then. Welcome to the inaugural broadast of RhyDin Rewind! For those of you that were never literate enough to read my Ringside Rewind column I present you with this early Christmas present. It's like having me in your home for two hours a day, five days a week, without the mess your wife would make in her panties if I was there in person. You can expect from this program everything the Rewind offered and then some, since I no longer plan to limit myself to the goings on in the Outback. Instead I'll now be covering *everything* RhyDin has to offer! And now that I've gotten that out of the way I've instructed our producer to turn on my sidekick's microphone, since I am contractually obligated to allow her an introduction. If any of you remember her at all it's probably from her less than glorious 4th place finish in Adenna's swimsuit competition, because otherwise there isn't much worth noting. But anyway, go ahead. It's on now.

Seirichi: Look, you better turn this piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] on or I'll--! Wait, it's on? Taptapping of the microphone. Finally! Wait, what am I supposed to say? You already said all the good [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Hold it! You did not just bring up that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] swimsuit competition! RhyDin, here's the scoop. This son of a [EXPLETIVE DELTED] gave me the lowest score possible just because he got sooooo butthurt when I challenged him for PathFinder. Remember that, Harris?! How about you tell the public what happened during that fight?

Harris: Firstly, since I'm the star, of course I get the good lines. I also have the job of telling you that you can't curse on the air. Tomorrow I'll bring some soap to wash your mouth out with. It'll make a great on air segment. Also, that fight is public record, so I don't really have to remind anyone.

Seirichi: That's [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Complete and utter [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! Everyone and their Mothers know that I'm the star of this show. Look, I have the tits and I have the [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. All you have is your attitude and that only gets you so far. You need the T 'n' A to keep this sinking ship afloat! Wait, what are you talking about? You can't say [EXPLETIVE DELETED] on the radio?

Harris: They fine us each time you do, actually. Which comes out of that sweet, uhh, bottom of yours you like to mention. Also, we're on the radio. Your best assets are not on display, only that screeching voice of yours. I'm probably going to have your mic turned off again soon, honestly. Especially when the complaints inevitably start rolling in.

Seirichi: My voice IS beautiful, isn't it? But that's another subject. You can whisper sweet words in my ear later... you know, when your wife isn't listening in. The microphone tapping resumes. Ahem. [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

Harris: BUZZER sound effect plays. Wrong. On all counts. Anyway, we won't be selfish RhyDin. This is your show as much as ours and we'll be more than happy to touch on the topics that mean the most to you. Are Seirichi's breasts real or fake? Does she ever stop talking? How many titles in the dueling venues have I actually won? So on and so forth. Whenever we get the phones up and running we'll start taking calls. Hopefully that won't take too long.

Seirichi: How'd you make that sound? Her voice fades, indicative of moving further from the microphone. What?! What do you mean by "Are Seirichi's breasts real of fake"?! Here! Feel them! Tell me those don't feel real to you!

Harris: That would ruin their mystique for all our listeners, Seirichi. You gotta play to your audience. Maybe we'll run a contest at that Bristle Crios Jello event in the Outback where one of our loyal listeners will get the opportunity to verify your claims that your breasts aren't packed full of silicone. BOUNCY BOUNCY sound effect plays. Also, as the star, I was given sole access to the soundboard. DUCK SQUAWK sound effect plays.

Seirichi: None of you can see this right now, but Harris has his hand up my shirt. TOILET FLUSH sound effect plays. No, wait. Where is the buzzer? LAUGHING BABY sound effect plays.

Harris: HEY! I thought you said you didn't give her the sound thingy!?! I'm the star so I get to press the buttons! You're just here because we needed someone for the advertisements! Seirichi's microphone is knocked over.

Seirichi: I FOUND IT! She laughs. BUZZER sound effect plays. BUZZER sound effect plays. BUZZER sound effect plays.

Harris: That's not a toy! You... BUZZER sound effect plays. BUZZER sound effect plays. RHYDIN WE WILL RETURN MOMENTARILY AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL FOR.... SOMETHING! I CAN'T FIND MY NOTES! DRINK SILVER MARK OR WHATEVER!

((Please PM myself or Seirichi with any call in questions your characters may have for future segments. Thanks!))
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 5:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt from RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 003, JUL 9 2012]

The chorus of Cake's "No Phone" rolls, fading out once Harris begins to speak.

Harris: Welcome back to the show, folks. After firing about seven diferent engineers we finally found one competent enough to figure out how to work RhyDin's phone system, so we're gonna take your calls today, isn't that right Seirichi?

Seirichi: That's right. All of you should feel pretty fuc--, I mean - DAMN thrilled we're doing this. I can say damn, right? Damn isn't that bad. APPLAUSE sound effect plays. Whatever! Either way, we're supposed to be the voice of RhyDin, so we need to listen to what all our beloved listeners have to say. So Maria, if you're listening out there - CALL!

Harris: Yes, please, give us a call Maria. So I can hang up on you.

Seirichi: Hey!

Harris: Our producer says we've got more calls than we've got time for, but we'll take as many as possible. Try not to stumble over yourselves if you get through, because this might be your only chance to converse with greatness. Alright, first up we've got Largo from West End. Largo, stimulate the KLIT with your question!

Caller #1: Hey Harris! What was it like fighting a TRUE Outback legend, huh? How did it feel when Jake Thrash crushed you last week in just two matches?

Harris: I don't know, Largo. How about I come to your house and you tell me what it feels like when I break every bone in your body while your children watch?

Seirichi: Would the bone breaking happen before you wreck his face so bad that his mother won't even recognize him, or after? TOILET FLUSH sound effect plays. Next!

Harris: That first call wasn't what I was hoping for. Let's talk to Lynn from Badside. You're on the RhyDin Rewind. Whatcha got for us, Lynn?

Caller #2: For a couple of dueling hotshots you two sure did stink it up last week. Three challenges between you in three days and you lost all of them! Maybe you should retire again for real this time, Harris!

Seirichi: You know, I feel like jogging on over to the Outback real quick to check the Diamond portraits. Lynn, that's your name - right? You ever hear of a Lynn who was a Diamond, Harris?

Harris: No, but I'll probably read about a Lynn in the obituaries tomorrow, once this call is traced. Is someone screening these calls? Seriously. I'm about to cut this segment short if we don't get some decent callers soon with legitimate questions.

Seirichi: Maybe it just needs a woman's touch. Here, let me take the next one. Hello, hello! This is Seirichi of RhyDin Rewind! What's your name, caller?

Caller #3: Name's Kevin.

Seirichi: What's your question, Kevin? How big my tits are? How much weight Harris can bench press?

Caller #3: No. I just wanted to say that you're bad - and you should feel bad. You only scored half a point in the two magic duels you lost against Vince Smith? I mean--

Seirichi: So sorry! We're not taking calls for magic. Haven't you gotten the memo? Only mouth breathers and nerds duel in that! I also forgot the obese. Don't let me forget that again, Harris.

Harris: Okay, that's enough of that. Whoever we hired to screen calls is officially [EXPLETIVE DELETED] fired, and it's happening right goddamn now. He steps away from the microphone.

Seirichi: You hear that sound, RhyDin? That's the sound of a wife and child not being fed this week because someone doesn't know how to do their [EXPLETIVE DELETED] job. I would also like to note that even if I did lose my fight on the Isle, there is still reason to rejoice. RhyDin is safe for another thirty days, give or take, as Rachael Wynter still is no longer the Keeper of Air. Now let's all take a moment of silence to reflect on that while I try to figure out how to start the music back on this thing until my co-host comes back. OI HARRIS HOW DO I TURN ON THE MUSIC?!

Harris: Coughs twice. I'll show you during the next break. But first we have a special guest for all our listeners today! His name is Jared. Say hello to RhyDin, Jared. Jared gurgles. Sorry, Jared's swallowed a lot of blood. But I'm sure he's sorry for the terrible job he did today screening your calls. It won't happen again because I'm about to throw him out of the building. We promise our next segment will be better, because we'll run through all the bikini options for Seirichi for the Bristle Crios Jello fights, scheduled to be held in the Outback on July 16th! Hopefully we can get her into something that's worthy of better than 4th place, so stay tuned!

Seirichi: If you bring that up one more time Jared isn't going to be the only one gargling on his own blood! You know what? That's it, now I'm not going. Deal with it.

Harris: Don't ruin another of our segments. What are we supposed to fill the time with then?

Seirichi: That's for you to figure out. Unless you feel like apologizing and begging for my forgiveness. Jared has to apologize too. That's my mug he spit blood on.

Harris: We're doing the bikini segment. And you're going to the Jello fights to promote the show. Because you can't resist an opportunity to show that body of yours off for a crowd. I know better. Jared gurgles again.

Seirichi: That's true. I am the hottest woman in RhyDin after all. But I'm still wanting an apology. That, and I get to start picking what music plays.

Harris: I'll let you pick the music, but that's all you're getting. Hit the button to play the commercial already.

Seirichi: BUZZER sound effect plays. TRAIN WHISTLE sound effect plays. What button is it?

Harris: Heavy thump against the floor. Nevermind. Jared's unconscious now anyway. I'll do it.

The segment ends with a commercial for Professor Bluto's Magical Mystical Wart Removal Cream.
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt from RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 010, JUL 18 2012]

The first track, "Fast, Not Slow", on Nima's unreleased second album rolls as her introduction

Harris: That intro music was a special treat from us to you RhyDin, as it's the first currently unreleased single from our next guest's second CD. She's a two time winner of the Adenna swimsuit contest and the Ninth Lilith of Liltu. I'd like to give a warm welcome to Adenna's most beautiful woman, Nima! Let me be the first to thank you for gracing us with your presence today. APPLAUSE sound effect.

Nima: Oh my, oh my. I'm so very grateful for such a warm welcome! Now, now... there are so many beautiful women in Adenna, we cannot simply go by results of the last swim suit competition. But-- BUZZER sound effect.

Seirichi: And there's the but. I knew the but was coming. I'm going to say this right now. I don't like this. I don't like this at all. BUZZER sound effect. I'm against this!

Nima: How refreshing it is to hear the jealousy in your voice so early in the morning, my dear sister.

Harris: Whoa, whoa. SCREECHING TIRES sound effect. Do I sense some sort of sibling rivalry here between you two?

Nima: Seirichi has always been... how should I put this? Saddened by her lack of beauty? To the point of having to blame me for her shortcomings.

Seirichi: Hey, Nima?

Nima: What is it?

Seirichi: [EXPLETIVE DELETED] you.

Nima: Oh my! I'm utterly shocked at such language! Exaggerated tone.

Harris: You really should watch your language when a lady of such obvious class is present, Seirichi. I offer my sincerest apologies for my co-host, Nima. Would it be too much to ask for you to offer the women of RhyDin a few beauty tips? What can they do if they want to one day be as gorgeous as you, instead of ending up like Seirichi?

Nima: Simple. When you are offered a second helping of food, kindly decline. Do not be like my sister and take it with a smile on your piggy face and then ask for more once your plate is cleared. Oh my, did I mistakingly point out my sister's flaws once more? I must apologize.

Seirichi: Here's a real beauty tip. Be yourself and stop hiding behind makeup, ladies. No one likes a slut... unless your name is Harris.

Harris: This is RhyDin. RhyDin absolutely *loves* sluts. I mean, why do you think everyone eats up Franco's gossip rag? But anyway, I digress. Do you have any anecdotes from your childhood to share about Seirichi, so all of us here in RhyDin can get to know her just a little bit better?

Nima: Anecdotes? Ah, I believe I do. Shall I tell him about the time I caught you and a certain someone kissing in an undisclosed tree house?

Seirichi: ... BUZZER sound effect plays.

Nima: How old were you again, dear sister? Thirteen? Maybe fourteen?

Seirichi: Look I'm about to seriously leave. Muffled as Seirichi's hand is over the mic.

Nima: Now, now... Why are you so embarrassed about the past? The past is just that, the past. Do you think the people of RhyDin really care that you kissed that Janis girl up in a tree? Or how awkward you looked wi-- BUZZER sound effect plays.

Seirichi: How about we talk about the time you got the clap?!

Harris: Is that contagious?

Nima: I have never had what she is referring to as "the clap".

Harris: Oh, okay then. Obviously she must have been referring to the clapping the crowd did after you scored perfect tens in that bikini you were wearing. What type was it again?

Nima: Clears her throat. A sling bikini.

Seirichi: Do not change the subject! DUCK QUACK sound effect.

Nima: Will you stop with those noises? How immature are you?

Harris: There was an event just recently where everyone was supposed to show up in swimsuits and fight in Jello, but Seirichi was so distraught that she couldn't fill out a sling bikini like you and opted not to even show up at all, Nima. Harris tsks.

Seirichi: My daughter was feeling ill. I'm SOOOO sorry I couldn't parade myself around in a bikini for your amusement.

Nima: Oh yes, amusement. I believe it would have been hilarious to see you make a fool of yourself. Was she really going to attempt a sling bikini? Does she not know you need a flawless figure to pull it off?

Harris: No, I don't believe so. As always she was going to opt for something lesser, unable to keep up with you, Nima. Which is why I'm certain you'll win next year's contest in Adenna and Seirichi probably won't even bother entering.

Nima: Chuckles. My sister will be glad to know that I do not plan on participating in next year's contest. I've won twice already. Really... not only did I achieve a perfect score, but even the public agreed with my superior beauty. It would be cruel of me to continue this display of dominance. Please, think of my sister and those like her.

Seirichi: Attention, RhyDin! I will be wearing a bikini during the upcoming Diamond Quest 70 this Sunday the 22nd! I will not be mocked!

Nima: And this is what we call a desperate plea for attention.

Harris: You sound like a... DRUMROLL sound effect. ...try hard now, Seirichi. Anyway, Nima, before you're forced to leave us please tell Rhydin about your next album and when it comes out.

Seirichi: You didn't just call me a try hard.

Nima: Quiet now, Seirichi. The adults are speaking. My next album has no set release date. I'm currently still working diligently to create a suitable sequel to my previous masterpiece. The song heard before this segment is titled "Fast, Not Slow" and is the only track I've released to the public. I hope to-

Seirichi: I hope you finally make something that isn't trash. Really... every song of yours is about sex and getting [EXPLETIVE DELETED] or how you want to [EXPLETIVE DELETED] everyone.

Nima: Is there a way to mute her?

Harris: You know that better than anyone, Nima. Just give her a plate of seconds. LAUGHTER sound effect. Anyway, that's all the time we have. Thank you for showing up this morning, Nima. I'd be more than happy to welcome you back if I ever need a substitute host.

Seirichi: No. Never. She's never coming back on this show. Once is enough. That's all I agreed to.

Nima: I'm hurt. How cruel you are. By the way, before we go I wanted to show this picture I brought. She produces a photograph and hands it across the table to Harris.

Seirichi: What are you showing him?

Harris: Aww, it's a cute little boy. He reminds me of my son. Is this a photo of your boy, Seirichi?

Seirichi: Why are you showing him a picture of my son, Karai-- Wait, that's me! Wait! Where did you get this!? Oi, Harris! Let go!

Harris: You were once a little boy? WHOA. TIME OUT. I don't know what kind of crazy crap goes on in Adenna but I'm pretty sure I don't like it!

Seirichi: I... [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. What the [EXPLETIVE DELETED]?! Stop laughing! Nima's laughter can be heard clearly. There's a thing called puberty and it takes time.. [EXPLETIVE DELETED] this, I'm done. Seirichi knocks her mic over and leaves.

Harris: What an entirely unexpected development. It looks like I'll need that replacement host sooner than I thought. How would you like to stay for the next segment, Nima?

Nima: It seems that once again I must finish something my sister started. Yes, I'd love to. My photoshoot can wait. Nima turns to speak with an assistant. Sweetheart, can you please call Donovan and reschedule? Now, where were we.

Harris: We were teaching you how to press the button to go to commercial. Let me show you, it's that one right there. And say, "We'll be right back after this short break!"

Nima: Ah-ha! We'll be right back after this short break!

Harris: Glorious! You know, it took Seirichi a whole week to learn how to do that. I think you got the beauty *and* the brains.

The segment ends with a commercial for Mount Yasuo's Sparkling Spring Water.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt from RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 014, JUL 24 2012]

MGMT's "Kids" rolls to introduce the segment.

Seirichi: Welcome back, welcome back! Seirichi here. But not only me! For our next segment let me introduce my newest Co-Host! You see - we had to let go of Harris for obvious reasons. AWW sound effect. But don't worry, I've found a replacement that will put him to shame! Kara, Kara. Say something in the mic. No, don't look at me. In the mic, sweetheart. Wait, don't look at him. There's no reason to be shy. Do it like we rehearsed.

Karaichi: Where's Nayun?

Seirichi: She's behind the glass, honey. Don't worry about her. Just say what I told you.

Karaichi: Hello?

Harris: You call him Kara? I know Adenna is all about birthing strong girls, but you do realize you had a boy, right Seirichi? He deserves a boy's name. Like my son, Stefan, who I've also brought along for Kids' Day at the station. Because children and family are the cornerstone of... something something something. Anyway, they're important, because kids are effectively the only way to make oneself truly immortal by passing along your legacy.

Karaichi: I'm not a girl! I'm a boy and I'm six!

Seirichi: I'll have you know where I come from that Kara is a strong and noble name for a man. Unlike you, Mr. Jerkface, I'll come out and say that Stefan is a very, very cute name for a handsome boy like the one you've got in your lap. Stefan, would you like to marry my daughter? I have two. Harris, set it up!

Harris: No, you don't have to whisper anything to me. Just talk into the mic right there and tell her what you wanna say, Stefan.

Stefan: I'm Stefan and I'm seven and I think you're pretty and I would marry you!

Harris: Augh. Maybe you should've cleared that first with me. Didn't we have a talk about standards? You can't just go hard charging at the pretty ones. They're always carrying the most baggage.

Seirichi: Marry me? I'm flattered! I know all of you can't see this right now, but I'm blushing like crazy! Sorry Mia, I think our relationship is over.

Karaichi: You can't marry my Mom! She's MY Mom!

Stefan: I can marry her. She said I was handsome!

Harris: Remember what Dad said about the cow, Stefan. You don't have to buy the milk when you can get it for free.

Seirichi: You shouldn't teach your son that. Really, you'll give him one of those womanizer complexes. Now, Stefan. How are we going to get married? What special place will you take me?

Harris: I'd rather he have a womanizer complex than be emasculated by having a girl's name. BOO sound effect.

Karaichi: No! Stop or I'll... I'll beat you up!

Stefan: I don't know. Mom always says Dad takes her to a special place, but that's always only the bedroom. I've been in there when they're not home and it's not so special. And my parents taught me to defend myself and I won't let you beat me up!

Seirichi: Firstly, Karaichi is a man's name! He's named after a Siovanui! Wait, what did your kid say? Seirichi begins to laugh. Oh, I'm starting to love this kid! Kara! Sit down! Fidgeting is heard and something bumps the mic. Hey, hey... Calm down!

Karaichi: But I gotta defend your honor!

Harris: Stefan, if you really want any of that leftover cake from the RDI I promised your Mother I wouldn't feed you so early this morning, you better change the subject!

Stefan: When we get married I'll defend your honor like my Dad does with my Mom!

Harris: That's better. Now I sound upstanding.

Seirichi: You really do. Kara! Oi. Calm down or... Yes, Nayun I can hear you! Stop knocking on the glass! Everything is fine, go pace around outside! Kara! Don't hit Mommy. And don't give me that look. You just dug your own grave.

Karaichi: I didn't mean it!

Harris: Whoa, settle down Stefan! Stay put!

Stefan: You're not supposed to hit girls unless they're hurting you!

Karaichi: You're not my boss! Let go of me! Bumping and thrashing are clearly heard as Stefan leaps onto Karaichi.

Seirichi: Just let them go at it. It's way too early in the morning and this'll be a good way to rid them of some excess energy. Your boy is defending my honor afterall.

Karaichi: No he's not, I am!

Seirichi: But you hit Mommy.

Karaichi: I'm sorry!

Harris: You gotta instill some discipline, Seirichi. The first thing kids should learn is that you brought them into this world and you can take them out of it. After that, they need to know you're willing to stop the car and turn it around. Also, ten pieces of whatever the standard currency is today on my kid, since I know he probably had a better teacher. See how he grabbed the hair first? Helps line up his shot. That's how he got him down.

Seirichi: Twenty on mine. You forget who's training him, the girl who shut out Roderick twice in an Opal Challenge. The ONLY time in history that's ever happened, by the way. Kara, nothing below the belt. And he has enough discipline. He's just a little fiesty right now, that's all. No, Kara you're not supposed to let him pin you. Use your legs! Also isn't hair pulling a little wussy?

Harris: Nothing is wussy when you're the last one standing after it's over. Keep that side control, Stefan! Grind his face with your forearm and throw knees to the body! Agh, don't let him up...

Seirichi: Alright, that's true. I'll give you that. But hair pulling as a starter move isn't all that great. Now pulling your almost knocked out opponent up by the hair and giving the finishing blow? That's alright. That's the way! Get out of there! Legs, I said legs! Use them more! You know, this reminds me. We should set up some play dates.

Harris: So my kid can help your girl to work on her ground game? That seems fair, since Nayun looks to have neglected that entirely. I'm about to call this off.

Seirichi: Nah, nah. Give it time. He's up on his feet, so this is an even match again. And if you keep calling him a girl they won't be the only ones wrestling. There's a nice table over there, want to get comfortable?

Harris: I'm already pretty comfortable, thanks. Uhh, I think Kids' Day is officially over at the station, RhyDin. I had all these note cards filled with questions for the children to answer, but we've gotta cut to commercial. You know, I think my boy already has better technique than you do Seirichi. Did you see that palm heel? I think I understand now why you wanna have a kid with me so bad. You're still trying to get it right. Fourth time's the charm, maybe?

Seirichi: What're you talking about? My children are perfect. Little Kellie would melt your heart. Who needs the questions anyway, the boys are having fun right now. Kara! You having fun with your new friend? No, don't tackle him! He's bigger than you! Stay far, strike fast! Oh wait, we're going to commercial now? Which button is it again?

Harris: All parents think their children are perfect. And Nima figured this out last week in two seconds flat.

Seirichi: Nima's far from perfect. Let her stay at your place for a week.

Harris: I'll be sure to do that the next time I invite her back to the show.

Seirichi: Look, I didn't just tell you once or twice. I must've said it twenty times already. She's NOT coming back.

Karaichi: Aunt Nima's coming? Is she going to show more magic fireworks? Can I watch?

Seirichi: Wait. Why aren't you fighting anymore?

Karaichi: He won. Nayun says it's okay to lose because you learn from your defeats.

Seirichi: ...please cut to commercial now.

Harris: Laughter. You could've saved yourself the shame if you knew what button to press. We'll be back after this short break RhyDin!

The segment ends with a commercial for Rico's Prime Cut Dragon Steaks.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 7:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A thirty-second bump plays over the radio.

If you haven't been listening to RhyDin's #1 morning radio show, this is what you've been missing!

Seirichi: "Top Ten Reasons Children Shouldn't Duel". Really?

Harris: You knew this was coming.

Seirichi: Okay, okay. Number ten is obviously.. "THEY MIGHT DIE"!

Harris: 'I found out what my liver looks like' is going to get strange looks from their teacher when they give their presentation on Summer Vacation.

Seirichi: Living through your child isn't going to make you any better, because they're the one getting stabbed in the chest.

Harris: It makes you a worse parent than Anubis.

Seirichi: She laughs while speaking. Baby arms make for terrible victory trophies.

Harris: It's impossible to reward them with ice cream afterward if they're in shock from blood loss.

Seirichi: It's one step below fighting a cat in the rings.

Harris: The piercing screams of wounded children have been known to wake the dead from their slumber.

Seirichi: I'm throwing it out there again if the first time wasn't enough. "THEY MIGHT DIE"!

Harris: And the number one reason why children shouldn't duel is.. It's impossible to know what Mur might do to them in a drunken stupor.

RhyDin Rewind!

Seirichi: Censored bleep. terrible.

Harris: Not as terrible as those children's parents.

Every morning! Monday through Friday! From 8 to 10!

KLIT-AM 900!


Seirichi: and that's when I told him "No, the first touch is free but the second will cost you".

Harris: Ew. I don't wanna touch you if Mur's touched you.

Seirichi: You weren't complaining an hour ago.

We're not THAT hard to find!
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt from RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 019, JUL 31 2012]

T.I.'s "Tell 'Em I Said That" rolls to introduce the segment.

Harris: So Rhydin. Are you following The Hydra Cup over in the dueling venues? Don't worry, neither am I. But my co-host here happens to be on the team that's been leading the tournament since the first week, so it's only fair that we spend a little bit of time on a subject that's close to her heart. People that are terrible at life.

Seirichi: You forgot to add that I'm the reason we took the number one spot the first week of the tournament. It's okay, I'll forgive you. No, that isn't the sound of my ego crashing through the ceiling. That's just the sound of pure awesome filling the radio waves. But enough about me, we're supposed to be on the subject of worthless teams - right? Or just all together worthless people. I like the sound of that better.

Harris: What she said. But for the uninitiated, the Hydra Cup is a team tournament that spans all three sports over the course of several weeks. Today, we're looking at the third place team of... What did you call them? Terrible of Nature? Forces of Terrible? That terrible team with Rachael on it that's terrible? I can't remember.

Seirichi: I think it would be better to just say `The team that should of left Rachael in some cardboard box out on the side of the street in the rain, but took pity on her instead` group. Wait, that isn't funny enough. How about Carried by Nature? Because it looks like they have no qualms about using cheap tactics to get what they want. Didn't our resident Watch member say she should get a second bye in that ArchMage tournament on Sunday? How is she still even on the Watch anyway? Better question. Why do people even take her seriously?

Harris: Your first mistake was assuming the Watch has standards. They obviously don't. But anyway, time to take a completely impartial look at how the Jacen Balthazar led team of Forces By Nature is doing thus far in the Hydra Cup.

Seirichi: I thought we covered that in the intro. The word terrible was used. Also his new name is Jacen "Did you hear I made mage in one cycle yet can't gain a title" Balthazar. Come on, get with the times.

Harris: As a completely impartial third party with no affiliation with any of the five teams in the tournament I would like to say I think Jacen is doing an excellent job as captain. The first thing he did was take a trip to the local elementary school to find a first grader hardy enough to take a high cut to the face. That's step one in building a winning team.

Seirichi: Does that mean we can add "known child abuser" to his resume? Maybe they are hoping to win the Talon this cycle. You know, hoping that everyone forfeits and allows the lil' tyke to take the top spot.

Harris: Well, Jacen does like to boast about meaningless accomplishments, so I guess we can add that to the list. Though, I have a question, since you're actually competing in this. My notes have something called an "Eregor" listed. Do you know what that is?

Seirichi: Who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is Eregor? There's a Degnor, but he's on our team. That robot guy.

Harris: That's probably what it is. Someone is giving me bad notes. Papers shuffle. Is that Jedi really on their team too? Man. He does flips and stuff. I think that makes him more useful than half that team.

Seirichi: I'd have to agree with that. If only his track record highlighted this. Still, he's at least fun to watch compared to the rest of them. So, yeah. More useful.

Harris: So, with a team so heavily stacked in magic, having a Keeper and three Mages, why are they collectively losing to basically Xanth by himself? Shouldn't they reasonably be in second, right behind Beat Down? And please don't say magic is for nerds.

Seirichi: Oh you know me so well. She laughs out. Fine, I'll hold back the talk of magic being for nerds. It is, by the way. In all honesty, that's exactly what I was thinking - but I'll lay down a little strategy for you. That's all they have. They focused too much on magic so of course they were set to fail the moment this tournament started. Xanth on the other hand? A one man killing machine. By the way, I'd like the public to know that I called Xanth winning the ArchMage tournament days before it happened. Psychic. Also you can't count Rachael as a Mage. Wait... When did they get a Keeper on their team?

Harris: They've got that one guy. Keeper of Earth? Chowder something. I can't pronounce it. I think it's French.

Seirichi: Are you sure? I haven't seen or heard anything about him in months. You sure your notes are right? Do we need to fire someone else?

Harris: I dunno. Maybe he's hibernating in the tower? I mean, it is basically a huge mountain. But back to the analysis. With only a few weeks left, what do they need to do in order to jump from third place to either first or second?

Seirichi: Simple. Tell the dead weight to stay out of the rings and hope Jacen can carry them to at least second place. From the rate they are going at, first is too much for them. No one but him and that Siofra girl has been able to keep any sort of constant win record in magic. They are terrible in Swords and Fists. Stay on the Isle and somehow hope they can trick some newbies into fighting them. They should of thought harder before creating their team. Do you think Beat Down likes each other? We joined up to win, not make friends.

Harris: You heard it here first everyone. The key to victory is not being awful. To do this, keep a safe distance away from Rachael Douglas at all times. Like she's got VD or something.

Seirichi: You forgot the part about not inviting toddlers onto the team too.

Harris: I did? Well, it should really go without saying not to have anyone on your team that's still breastfeeding. Anyway, swing by the Arena, Outback, Twilight Island, or Annex to catch all the action!

Seirichi: And by action, he means the laugh riot that is Forces of Nature.

Harris: Next up we'll take an in depth look at the MVP race between Xanth "One Man Army" Van Bokkelen and Candy "I Go Commando" Hart, right after this commercial break!

The segment ends with a commercial for the Imperial Grand RhyDin Hotel.
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 7:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 022, 3 AUG 12]

One Republic’s “Secrets” plays to introduce the segment.

Seirichi: And we're back! I'm pretty stoked -- that's excited for you non-hip people out there, that I get to introduce our super-special guest for this segment! I'd also like to apologize for the last one, by the way, and I'd like to note that my lovable co-host isn't exactly thrilled with my choice. WAILING BABY sound effect. But he can just suck it up! Shouldn't he just suck it up Mrs. Current Governer of RhyDin? Wait. I think I just screwed up the introduction. Oh well, it's not a secret anymore!

Harris: I would like to say for the record that I have no issue with RhyDin's 4th best Governor being on the show today.

Fio: That's perfect, because I have no issue with RhyDin's greatest Diamond introducing me with your help.

Harris: I wasn't aware Matt was in the studio.

Seirichi: 4th best? There were Governors before Fio? I don't believe it. And she means me. I'm the greatest Diamond. I dare anyone to say different.

Fio: Matt's out warning youngsters off of the Outback's lawn. And you are not only the best, you are absolutely adorable. If I wasn't afraid it would send your co-host spiraling into a suicidal depression, I'd be very tempted to propose.

Harris: Groans into the microphone.

Fio: Which reminds me. I brought you a present.

Seirichi: BUZZER sound effect. Stop it, you. If you're going to act that way, you can go curl up in the corner and pout. Say hello to Mrs. Douglas when you get over there. This is the buzzer-sound-maker, by the way. If he says something you don't like, just press it. Over and over and over if you have to. Seirichi clears her throat. Now back to the topic of gifts and presents.

Fio: Yes, well, you are going to love this. One of the receptionists at Town Hall knows one of your technicians. The studio door creaks open and closed in the background. And she persuaded him to help me reprogram your sound board... You see, here’s the map. Fio rises from her seat and takes a flat box over to Seirichi.

Harris: This is absolutely scintillating. Deadpanned. I would like to take this moment to inform RhyDin that I am not responsible for the bad radio you're hearing right now.

Fio: I would like to inform RhyDin that this entire studio smells like someone broke a bottle of Alpha in a corner and the place is waiting for a match. Oh! Like you Harris!

Harris: That's a great throwback to something almost a year ago. Someone needs to update their bad joke rolodex.

Seirichi: He's just mad that he's been replaced. You know, the whole "Not the love of my life" thing anymore. By the way, RhyDin. I'll be taking your Governor out to lunch after this show is over. I'm not telling where. Now, I'm not the type of person to ignore a GREAT gift! And by the looks of it one that will make Harris cry himself to sleep every night for the next couple of weeks.

Fio: Look at the way his mouth puckers when he's jealous. Stage whisper.

Harris: Why don't you be useful and ask the Governor some pertinent questions? Like, I dunno, about the closed door GAC meeting that happened last week? Once again I’m the one forced to do all of the actual work on this show.

Seirichi: Oh yeah, he’s jealous. Mimicking Fio’s stage whisper. Closed door meetings mean closed door meetings, Harris… and it's obvious what it was about. She was trying to put this gift together. For me.

Fio: You guessed! Mock disappointment.

Seirichi: I'm sorry! It's just this sort of thing has happened so many times before. Don't hate me. AWW sound effect. I was still surprised though! It counts!

Fio: That's perfectly all right, sweetling. It's obvious that he poops at parties.

Seirichi: Rare proof of Harris being exposed for the party pooper he is. But he is right about the questions. This is supposed to be an interview. Now, I HAD questions I wanted to ask, but I threw them away before coming in this morning and thought I'd just wing it instead. Feels more natural, right?

Harris: Train wreck time.

Fio: It's always best to do what feels natural. Isn't that one of the station's mottos?

Seirichi: It's alright. He just fails to notice that the only reason he's still on the air is because of me. Okay! Time for the first question. Something simple, easy, and not a ploy for me to figure out what's the best day to be romantic with you. Favorite holiday?

Fio: A bittersweet sigh. Yule. The city is so festive, and there are many parties, but there is always that intimate time at home with friends and family, and traditional observances.

Seirichi: I'll be busy on Yule, Harris. Make a note of it. And no, you can't come along. There's a Governor I need to seduce. Psst, don't tell her that. The talk of friends and family brings up another question though. What's this Dragonpalooza thing? I heard about it a little while back and it's been nagging me. I've never spent much time in Rhy'Din, and my Co-Host here isn't exactly the smartest guy to bring questions to. Do you know anything about it?

Harris: Munching on a sandwich.

Seirichi: Hey, no eating on air! That’s day one stuff, guy.

Harris: So is learning the buttons on the soundboard, which you still haven’t done yet. Chews.

Fio: He needs his energy. I heard he has trouble finding this place in the mornings. Psst. Hit that button.

Seirichi: I bet if I spoke to his wife she'd agree on the whole `trouble finding` subject. Wait, this button? A Matt Simon sound byte of “Get off my turf!” rings out.

Fio: Oops. That’s not what that was supposed to be. Papers rustle.

Seirichi: GET OFF MY TURF sound effect plays repeatedly. I’m loving this more and more!

Fio: Anyway, to answer your question, Dragonpalooza is a three day concert in the park. They’re going to be having over a hundred bands performing, on seven stages. I’ve heard it’s going to be amazing. More papers rustle. Okay, try that button over there instead. And speaking of amazing, I don't know if you've heard yet, but I am going to be getting into a steel cage with Matt Simon, my sister, Kitty, and Sheridan Driscoll, if we can get him sobered up by then, for a last-man standing match.

Harris: Continues munching on his sandwich.

Seirichi: Hey, you. Blue-haired guy who isn't doing anything important. Maybe you should make some phone calls? Something about backstage passes for this Dragonpalooza so we can get people to do embarrassing things over the radio for prizes. As for the steel match fight, I'm LOVING the sound of it. Already making bets now, you'll be the winner. And, this button this time you said? A Maria Graziano sound byte of “Harris is a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] moron!” plays.

Harris: I am doing something important. Waiting for our producer to tell me the time is up for this segment.

Fio: I had them add the bleep in there for you, so you wouldn't have to remember to do it.

Seirichi: I'm soaring in the clouds, happiness all around me. HARRIS IS A [EXPLETIVE DELETED] MORON sound effect plays. See, Harris? This is how an interview should be. Maybe the next time you think about inviting my ho-bag of a sister onto the show, you'll remember that. HARRIS IS A [EXPLETIVE DELETED] MORON sound effect plays. How are you preparing for your match, Fio? Doing any special training with the famous Crew? Who, by the way, if they are listening, I love you Maria!

Harris: He gets up from his seat and moves away from the mic and out of the room briefly.

Seirichi: Hey, Harry! Don't leave! You still need to ask some questions!

Harris: Sorry about that folks. Our producer just informed me that we’re running well over time. We do appreciate you coming to the show bearing gifts, Fio. Please, visit us again soon.

Seirichi: Hey! I’m sure we have a good thirty left! And who cares about the other segments, this one— Harris can be heard smashing a claw hammer against the soundboard, repeatedly. What do you think you’re doing!?!

Fio: Some men do that, Seirichi. They can't find the button they want so they just hammer away in the vicinity and hope they'll hit something.

Seirichi: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! Wait, what? Pfft. HAHAHAHAH! OH! [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! I get it! I think I've fallen even more in love with you now! Ha! Alright, let's say goodbye to our adoring public now and let the kid have his fit. We got more important things to do than sit around and watch him have his little tantrum.

Fio: Lunch, and then maybe you can help me get in shape…

Harris: We’ll be back RhyDin. Well, at least one of us will be. Grumbles.

The segment ends with a commercial for Ye Olde Smoke Shoppe.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 026, 9 AUG 12]

Carl Orff's "O Fortuna" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: Now that we're back, you can answer a question for me RhyDin. Did you know that you have... culture? Don't worry, I didn't either. At least not until last year when I took the wife to the Shanachie Theater to see a production of Wicked. Seirichi was just as skeptical as I was, which is why we went to catch the Shanachie's newest production... TRUMPET sound effect ...The Tragedy of MacBeth.

Seirichi: It's nice that you used the word tragedy... because that night was full of it. Did you know they won't allow you to bring in popcorn? Shocking, I know.

Harris: That's because it would've been overkill with the tailgating that was going on in the parking lot. I guess you missed that. Anyway, as a public service to the uncouth heathens in RhyDin we've got a review of the performance, which will be playing up until the 13th of this month.

Seirichi: My pinky is pointed and ready for this review. I suggest all of you do the same, unless you wan't to look like uncultured plebeians. What're we going to start with? The way that guy got decapitated?

Harris: Uhh, first let's preface this review with two very important words. Harris clears his throat. SPOILER ALERT.

Seirichi: We probably lost half of our listeners with the word "culture". Do you think there really is a need for a spoiler alert?

Harris: It'll cut down on the hate mail after I tell people that EVERYONE DIES.

Seirichi: Everyone dies? I don't remember that.

Harris: King Duncan dies. Banquo dies. Siward dies. Lady Macduff dies. Lady MacBeth dies. MacBeth dies. In my book, that's everyone.

Seirichi: MacBeth is a person? I thought it was just the name of the play. Which character was that kick [EXPLETIVE DELETED] lady who did [EXPLETIVE DELETED] because her man was too busy being a wuss?

Harris: You know that little booklet the ushers handed out on the way inside the theater? That's called a program. He exhales a sigh. But anyway, the character you're talking about is the aforementioned Lady MacBeth, played very intensely by one Brigid Kelly. Personally I think she stole the show.

Seirichi: I'm there to watch a play, not read a pamphlet. If I wanted to read, well - I wouldn't be at a play. And strong women always steal the show, don't you know that already? It's why the listeners like me more than you. Strong women unite!

Harris: Uh, you do know that she completely crumbled and killed herself at the end, right? Should I just assume you were sleeping through most of the acts?

Seirichi: Extended silence. No.. I knew that. I was just testing you.

Harris: Anyway, for those of you that did manage to catch Wicked last year you'll remember Brigid played Elphaba, another lead role. She's very good. I sent her a bouquet of flowers with both our names on it, by the way.

Seirichi: Did she like them? You made sure to write out my name larger, right? Maybe I should visit her. Then demand that the play should be changed so that everyone but Lady MacBeth dies.

Harris: I haven't heard back from her. And good luck changing Shakespeare. Scoff. If we go to another play I'll make sure it's something more appropriate for you. A comedy maybe. Like, say, The Taming of the Shrew. Snickering.

Seirichi: Shakespeare needs to be changed. Get with the times, people want to see more action packed things. More car chases and explosions, that's all a good play needs. And that doesn't even sound like a good comedy.

Harris: You've got a lot of free time on your hands. Why don't you write your own play for the Shanachie, eh?

Seirichi: Maybe I will. It'll be best play ever created. But I'm not a try-hard, so RhyDin will have to make do with... Shapes-spear. Also, I'm not trying to change the subject or anything, but what was Wicked about? The name alone sounds ten times better over MacBeth.

Harris: Wicked was a musical.

Seirichi: A musical about WHAT?

Harris: The witches of Oz. You know, from The Wizard of Oz. Sorry, there were no car chases.

Seirichi: Wait. Wizard of Oz? WITH the witches? Okay, I want to see that. Send those Shanachie people a letter about them needing to bring that back. Nevermind, I'll do something better. Shanachie people! Bring back Wicked!

Harris: Well, that's at least two tickets sold if there's another performance. Any final words regarding the parts of MacBeth you didn't sleep through?

Seirichi: I don't know... I slept through a lot of it. Wait, no. Look. Lady MacBeth shouldn't have died. There, done. End of story.

Harris: Isn't that how it goes, RhyDin? The pretty ones are always completely vapid. However I'll extend my congratulations to the Shanachie's crew for an excellent play. Don't worry Seirichi, I'll take you to a samurai monster truck rally this weekend and buy you the bottomless bucket of popcorn, alright?

Seirichi: Samurai monster truck rally? Hot damn, that's my jam! Anywho RhyDin, We'll be back after a brief commercial break. And for those of you who are crying in the corner after having to sit through talk of culture, I apologize. Our normal programming will be returning very, VERY soon! Next up we'll be going over the greatest scientific discussion RhyDin has ever known. Candy Hart. Does she go commando, or not? Finally, we have results that will amaze you.

Harris: So stay tuned!

The segment ends with a commercial for Grim Reaper Gutters.
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 032, 17 AUG 2012]

Ciara's "Pretty Girl Swag" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: We're back. Today we're going to clear the air for some of our listeners. We've been throwing around unfamiliar terms like "Siovanui" and "Lilith" because if you hadn't guessed yet, my co-host is a dirty foreigner. Thankfully I figured out a long time ago that her interest in me was just about getting a Green Card. But I still think it's only fair that we at least spend some time answering some basic, important questions about Adenna. Such as what's an Adenna? Do they make good pancakes? Et cetera.

Seirichi: I'm pretty sure I only wanted you for one thing back then, and that had something to do with making children. Now, don't get me wrong. Adenna is the greatest realm of all time, but I'm not sure our listeners really want to sit here and listen. Why? Because suicide rates might jump. Did I say Adenna is the greatest yet? Or should I just say `Adenna is better than you`. And yes, we do make good pancakes. Zoe's Grill has the best breakfast platter. Dragon sausages included.

Harris: Is that a special Siovanui power? Dragon sausage gobbling? Also, what exactly is a Siovanui? It sounds like the massage treatment you ask for when you want a happy ending.

Seirichi: The urge to put my fist through your face is rising. No, Siovanui is... Well, in easy terms for you to understand, it's a sort of spiritual ascension. There's no Gods or Goddess' in Adenna, only power. The Siovanui teachings are pretty much the only sort of religion we have.

Harris: Wait, so you're like some sort of religious icon? I thought that came with a funny hat and better clothes.

Seirichi: Long pause. No. I'm not. I'm no God, no one bows to me when I walk down the street. I'm just a normal person. There may be some perks, but to become Siovanui is to bring protection to Adenna. Your life is bound to the city to serve and protect. It isn't something you do for yourself. Are you SURE you want to talk about all this stuff?

Harris: Oh. I get it. So... thoughtful pause You're like Rachael then? he snickers

Seirichi: Yeaaaaaaaaahhh... No. I'm not completely useless. That's the big difference. Are you sure she's even really part of any law enforcement group? I've seen things happen at the duels that could be called illegal. Never seen her lift a finger. Plus I don't go around claiming I do work for the law. I AM THE LAW.

Harris: I would *dread* having to deal with you. he snickers again I won't lie, I've never seen a badge. But anyway, I also have to mention something else noteworthy I saw when I was up in Adenna for the swimsuit competition. The male to female ratio seems... pleasantly skewed in your favor.

Seirichi: Small laugh. We're the minority. It's why you see a lot of us group around together when we do our day by day activities. I'd say there's... a good twenty men for each woman in Adenna. Things like marriage can be a litte rough.

Harris: Oh yeah. You ladies tend to... stick together because of it, am I right? HUBBA HUBBA sound effect

Seirichi: Weeeeell.. I'm not going to say anything.. But, there's always been talk of sisterly bonding.

Harris: Wait. Like, do you mean that *literally*? Now I *really* want Nima back on the show.

Seirichi: But in all honesty we stick together for safety reasons. There's one thing that can make or break you becoming a Siovanui. And that's virginity... and no. No, no, no. Nima will not be coming back. Nima isn't an Adennian, so she shouldn't even be brought up.

Harris: She's not? But aren't-- Hold on. Let's backtrack a moment to talk about your virginity, since you brought it up. Please, explain. WOLF WHISTLE sound effect Educate RhyDin and all our listeners.

Seirichi: To be as simple as possible? Try to become a Siovanui and you're not a virgin? Your [EXPLETIVE DELETED] isn't coming back, that's it. Dead. You can't see me do this right now, listeners. But I made an exploding hand gesture. Ka-pow.

Harris: So... there was actually a point in your life when you were pure? Untainted? I almost don't have the words, RhyDin.

Seirichi: Oh, Harris. You still see me as that, don't lie. I became Siovanui at twenty. That was one sexually repressed teenage stage, I tell you.

Harris: Well, at least you won't die an old maid now. So considering how much time you've been spending here lately, what is it that RhyDin has that Adenna doesn't that's so appealing to you?

Seirichi: Nothing. RhyDin sucks. Nah, nah. I'm joking. Well - for one... RhyDin has my precious Fio. She alone gives me enough reason to venture to this city daily. Once I take her as my bride and carry her off to Adenna, I'll have no more reason to be here. Wait. Maria is here too. So I'd have reason to come back. And I guess you and our godlike listeners are good enough reasons too.

Harris: Seirichi loves you RhyDin. As long as you listen to our show. Don't forget that our message line is always open, so feel free to leave a message if you've got more questions for our darling from Adenna. Truly, she's like a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a sweet pair of sweater puppies.

Seirichi: And please no questions about when the next Swimsuit Competition is going to happen. I swear, I'm going to find the next one who sends that and punch them personally.

Harris: You've been warned. We'll be back after a quick break!

The segment ends with a commercial for Baller Shot Caller Sporting Goods.

((Please PM Harris or Seirichi with questions for any future call in shows. Thanks!))
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 036, 23 AUG 2012]

Rush's "Scars" plays to introduce the segment.

Harris: Goooooood morning RhyDin and welcome to the show! We are broadcasting LIVE from the Roulette Lounge in the rather posh Imperial Grand RhyDin Hotel & Casino! Raucous audience applause. We were debating coming to you straight from the casino floor, but then I remembered how easily Seirichi gets distracted by shiny things.

Seirichi: Huh? How can you say that!? I take my job very, very seriously... but once we're done here I'm hitting those slots again. I swear, I was this close to winning the jackpot.

Harris: And Seirichi's new addiction to slots can be attributed to our guest this morning, El Presidente of this hotel and casino, Riley Lo! Audience applause.

Riley: Hi! Thanks for having me on the show, guys. Seirichi, I've been a big fan of yours since I first heard you on the radio. I just wanted to say thanks for not taking his [EXPLETIVE DELETED] lying down.

Seirichi: I'm blushing. Really. It's okay, Harris. You can stop frowning now. Doesn't he look handsome in his little outfit? Okay, enough about him. I have my own thanks to give. One. Thanks for coming on the show. Two. Double thanks for giving me something pretty to stare at. This guys mug's a mood killer.

Riley: Okay, and now I'm blushing. Do we really need him here for this?

Seirichi: He took back seat during our last interview... I wouldn't want the listeners to think he's completely useless. Oi, Harris. You have anything nice to say?

Harris: Riley makes an excellent point. I don't actually have to be here. In fact, I think I'm gonna go hit the slots instead. My co-host here is MORE than capable of covering everything, even if I take all our pre-interview notes with me. Papers shuffle.

Seirichi: Look, you need to sit your [EXPLETIVE DELETED] down and stop being a big baby. I know how much you want to hit up the casino floor again and mack on any pretty rich woman you see, but come on. You have the prettiest one right here.

Riley: Yes, quit pouting, you big girl, and ask your questions already. I have a party to get ready for.

Harris: Hey, this interview isn't for our sake. Our ratings are through the roof and I've already stayed in and absolutely TRASHED that Seaside Suite on the fourth floor. The butler will be cleaning fluids off the walls and floor for at least a week. So be thankful we've allotted you this time to plug your End of the Summer event, mmkay?

Seirichi: I kept mine clean, by the way. Sure - I didn't spend much time in there since the lights, glam, and sounds of the casino was just too good to pass up. You didn't trash the bed, right Harris? That one is comfy as [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

Riley: So, the fact that without the hotel--which I own, by the way--sponsoring the show, there wouldn't actually be a show is completely lost on you, huh, Harris?

Harris: You're confused. This show was rockin' well before you decided to pay us to name drop your hotel. You're not our only sponsor.

Riley: No, we're just the biggest and most generous. And, as your astute and lovely co-host pointed out, the prettiest.

Harris: When Seirichi talks about pretty women she's generally referring to herself, just for future reference. But I think our audience already knows that. Snickering. That guy over there has a sign for you, Seirichi. It says, "SHOW ME YOUR TITS!" We really do have the best fans.

Seirichi: Because I'm beau-ti-ful, but Riley is heavenly. I've already lost myself twice within her eyes. Seriously? My tits? I'm going to have to pass on that one. Maybe the hotel can host a wet t-shirt contest later? Then we can talk.

Harris: That's entirely up to Riley.

Riley: You'd win. Hands down. No contest. Me, I couldn't even enter. It's shameful, really.

Seirichi: Now I'm blushing again. Riley, we must have dinner with each other sometime. Private, of course.

Harris: Do you ever have any pertinent questions to ask our guests that doesn't involve going to dinner?

Seirichi: What? I like eating and I like sitting with pretty girls. Win-win.

Riley: I think Harris is jealous.

Harris: Hello everyone. Welcome to the Fionna Helston interview, take two. I'm jealous and Seirichi propositions a guest for a meal. If you think you've heard this before, you have.

Seirichi: Free meals are the best meals. But fine, I'll ask a question. The children's day event during the Goodbye to Summer Spectacular. Can I get in on that? Balloon popping caught my heart, and the martial arts kept it.

Riley: Absolutely. It's not just for kids, though most of the activities and events are geared towards them. It's really for the whole community.

Harris: And when will this event be held?

Riley: Saturday, the second of September, all day. Here at the hotel, in the conference rooms, the ballroom, as well as out on the grounds.

Harris: And it's just part of a much larger event, correct?

Riley: Yeah, a big three-day weekend we're calling the Goodbye to Summer Spectacular. Back home, on Earth, I mean, Labour Day, which is usually the first Monday of September, is a big holiday that officially ends the summer school holidays, so everyone has a big party and then normal life starts up again.

Seirichi: Did you hear that? The long collective groan of the school kiddos who listen to our show.

Harris: If anyone went to school in this town it'd be filled with more than two-bit hustlers and mercenaries. EVERYONE IS A MERCENARY.

Riley: Aren't there schools here? I've heard of a University and um... Some magic schools, too. Do they churn out mercs?

Harris: Magic schools? He clears his throat. Can you please handle this, Seirichi?

Seirichi: Magic is for nerds! Though, isn't there good money in being a merc? It's one of those revolving door occupations. Always room for more!

Riley: Like Lay's potato chips?

Seirichi: [EXPLETIVE DELETED] I want some potato chips.

Riley: I'm sure we can find some for you. She covers the mic and asks a passing waitress for some chips.

Seirichi: You're my favorite person now. I hope Maria and Fio won't be terribly jealous. Wait, we're supposed to be talking about events! Amazing events, by the way. All of you should come out to the Goodbye to Summer Spectacular... Unless you want to be labeled some magic nerd.

Harris: It's just like Nima said. You're always filling your little piggy face.

Riley: And yet she always looks amazing.

Harris: With all this love in the air I think the crowd wants you two to make out now. Catcalls from the crowd. I know it's right up your alley, Riley, with the kissing booth you ran at Beltane. Riley tastes like honey, by the way.

Riley: Yes, and the...what was it, 500 gold pieces you paid out just to kiss me?

Harris: Barks out a laugh. Nice of you to adjust for inflation, Riley.

Seirichi: Mic is knocked over. I swear..! The mic is hastily fixed. Wait, what? Kissing booth?! Yeah, that sounds like him. Poor, poor Harris. 500 sounds like a good price. After all, these are important lips we're talking about.

Harris: The second most important pair of lips any woman has on her.

Riley: Seirichi, if you ever feel like dumping the baggage over there and want to break out on your own, let me know. The Imperial Grand would be more than happy to sponsor the show.

Harris: The only thing Seirichi generally breaks out of is her top. And with that said, I officially stamp this segment over. Come to the Goodbye To Summer Spectacular, hosted by the Imperial Grand RhyDin Hotel and Casino, September 1-3!

Seirichi: My tits are big, not going to deny that. But of course I'll keep your offer in mind, Riley! Hear that Harry? You better start treating me better.

Riley: He's just intimidated by strong, confident women.

Seirichi: Or has a fetish for being overpowered by them.

Riley: You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to.

Harris: We'll be right back with more live action!

Seirichi: Slot machine time!

The segment ends with a commercial for the Imperial Grand RhyDin Hotel & Casino.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 4:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 041, 30 AUG 2012]

Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2)" rolls to open the segment.

Harris: By my estimation at least 7/9ths of RhyDin is completely uneducated. I mean, when was the last time you heard anyone talk about their college days? That's because nobody went. But Bristle Crios is looking to fix that, since they're opening an academy to the public here on September 1st.

Seirichi: What kind of school are we talking about? You need to be clear on this one if I'm going to put my two cents in.

Harris: Well the brochure I read that you apparently threw in the trash like you do with anything that involves reading, claims the academy has a science wing, a combat annex, and even... a mage hall.

Seirichi: So it's a nerd's paradise pretty much. You know, nerds and nerd kind. Nerding it up for nerd-reasons. All that book learning going to their heads. Makes my mind hurt just thinking about it.

Harris: You say that now, but I should also mention that they're actively seeking instructors for a variety of positions. I mean, if they're willing to hire RhyDin's laziest Governor of all time, Dris, to teach music theory then it's safe to assume they have no standards whatsoever. I just hope he doesn't expose himself to the faculty and students on the first day. BOING sound effect. But if Dris can do it, then so can we. I say we apply too.

Seirichi: Music theory is a real class? BUZZER sound effect. Just sounds like a way for people to waste money and act like they learned something. You know, like going to college for ART. What kind of jobs they got? You still have the brochure laying around?

Harris: Don't worry, I picked up a couple of applications and a list of open positions. Like, Lifeguard. I won't lie, I think that's perfect for you. Squeeze you right into a one-piece. Some people stand in the darkness, afraid to step into the light. But not Seirichi. Snickering.

Seirichi: I'm not saving some dweeb from drowning just because his mother didn't teach him how to [EXPLETIVE DELETED] swim. Next. And just so you know, I can wear a one-piece whenever for you in private.

Harris: That's too much clothing for me, personally. But anyway, there are Human Resources positions. Get you a pair of nerd glasses and a little skirt. Do you know how to work a copy machine? All you gotta do is PUT 'EM ON THE GLASS. I know you know how to do that. More snickering.

Seirichi: If by 'EM you mean my [EXPLETIVE DELETED], then yes, I'm pretty sure I know how to do that. Welcome to my first trip to RhyDin. I think I still have a few of those print outs... but no, I'll pass on that too. Sounds boring and nerdy. Please tell me they have something that's sporty at this school. Or is it going to be full of obese neckbeards who twiddle their fingers to make magic?

Harris: They've got athletics. Like I said, there's a combat annex. They need coaches, trainers, instructors. Now me, I'm going to apply for the hand-to-hand combat instructor position as a guest lecturer. Pretty sure I don't need to go over my qualifications for that. My rate is negotiable Bristle Crios. As long as the pay stays in the quintuple digit range. CHA-CHING sound effect.

Seirichi: Wouldn't I be more qualified? I did end your 500 day reign and then take the Diamond sometime later. OOOH sound effect. Coach does sound fun... I could wear a tracksuit and blow a whistle.

Harris: Maybe you should apply instead for entrance as a student, since your math skills appear to be lacking. I think my NINE Opals and TWO Diamonds makes me more qualified. And why am I not surprised that you gravitate toward the one position that involves putting something in your mouth to blow. Maybe a Food Service job would be better, since I think all of RhyDin knows at this point how much you like to stuff your face.

Seirichi: That doesn't mean much. How about this, you snag another one of those Opals and I'll steal that from you again. Deal? And no, I want a coaching position. How the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] do I do an application?

Harris: Scoff. Really? What do you think I just did? I just applied via radio waves, which I'm pretty sure is an acceptable form. They even have daycare there. And free transportation.

Seirichi: Are we talking about free daycare? And it shouldn't be that easy. Don't they have question and answer crap for you to do?

Harris: Again, if they had a stringent screening process they wouldn't have let Dris teach a class. He puts Hedonism Bot to shame. But feel free to apply in person if you want. Need me to help you brush up on your interview skills?

Seirichi: Nope. I'm the best when it comes to interview. Try me. Right here, right now. Act like you're the leader of this... what was the school called again? Nerdcorps?

Harris: I'll save you the trouble and embarrassment. Just show up in professional attire, a nice dressy shirt... with the top three buttons undone. You won't have to answer any questions then. But if the rest of you wanna do something with your life that's not mercenary work, swing by the Academy of Bristle Crios and see what they have to offer!

Seirichi: Just don't go into magic. Science is where the money's at.

Harris: Next segment we'll look into the RhyDin Air & Space Guard and try to figure out exactly what in space they're guarding us from. Starro The Conqueror? Galactus? Stay tuned!

The segment ends with a commercial for Pirate Booty Gentleman's Club.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 3:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[A one minute bump rolls between programs]

Get your mornings started off right with the Nexus Weekly's highest rated radio show!

Harris: Today we bring to you "RhyDin's Top Ten Secret Couples", because we like digging into personal business.

Seirichi: Nothing is off limits!

Harris: Number Ten! Darien Fenner & Marc Franco, because the difference between gossip and news is just how you spin it.

Seirichi: Fionna Helston & Maria Graziano, because a girl can dream. Wistful sigh.

Harris: Matthew Simon & Icer Shimmerscale, since I heard from Koy he's into that sort of thing.

Seirichi: G'nort & Salvador Delahada. Because I think that betting his girlfriend thing was just a cover.

Harris: Teagan Rielea & Corlanthis Wystansayr. Because hey, it's his turn.

Seirichi: Rachael Douglas & Shadow. Of course he asked for personal favors after carrying her to an Opal.

Harris: Candy Hart & Herself. Because that burning sensation she's got isn't from being Keeper of Fire.

Seirichi: Ria Graziano & Myria Graziano, because it's okay as long as you're not related by blood.

Harris: Tasslehofl Momus & Jewell Ravenlock. We all know Tass likes trying new things.

Seirichi: And Rhydin's number one most secret couple is... you guessed it, Harris & Seirichi! Because you should see what he does to me during commercial breaks.

Don't miss out on what all of RhyDin is talking about!

Harris: Just because being in the same room with me makes your girl parts tingle doesn't mean we're a couple.

Seirichi: Your wife doesn't listen to the show anyway. You can finally come clean about us, Harris!

Harris: No matter how many times you say it the GangSTAR still isn't gonna bite.

RhyDin Rewind! Every weekday morning from 8 - 10 AM!
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 047, 7 SEP 2012]

"Hail To The Chief" rolls to introduce the segment.

Harris: Welcome back to the show. I'd like to take this time to speak from the heart if you don't mind. RhyDin, you're a terrible city. Full of strange storms, random viruses, zombie infestations, and, you know... buildings collapsing.

Seirichi: Don't forget the Marketplace. It's like you can't just go shopping anymore, it's always under attack by weirdos with Mommy issues. "Why didn't you love me, Mommy?! I'm going to chop off random peoples heads!" That's my impression. Godlike, I know.

Harris: And you know why that is? Failed leadership. Your leaders have failed you RhyDin. Kitty failed. Matt failed. Dris failed. Fio is failing. Yes, I said it. You're failing, Fio. And it's for one simple reason. Nobody that's assumed power seems to know how RhyDin works exactly.

Seirichi: Why are you talking to that empty chair? Anyway, I wouldn't say Fio is failing... I love Fio. The way she walks, the way she talks, the way she moves. Wait, we're talking about politics - right? I never really paid attention to much of that.

Harris: RhyDin is too unconventional. Always has been. Which is why the people that have been elected to run it haven't had the slightest clue of what RhyDin really needs. An out of the box thinker.

Seirichi: Out of the box? I wonder who could take on a role like that...

Harris: Why, I'm glad you asked Seirichi. Because I am officially announcing my intent to run in next year's Gubernatorial election. APPLAUSE sound effect.

Seirichi: Ooooooo. Does that mean I get to run too? We're supposed to be a team, you know. I wonder what kind of stuff we could fix. There's so many, but alot of it can be easily dealt with.

Harris: RhyDin is too big a place for just me to run, so of course you'd be on the ticket with me. I mean, does Adenna have to deal with undead hordes? Nope. That must mean you people are doing something right. We might as well skip straight to the issues since we'd likely win by a landslide. So what's the first thing we cover? Because everybody knows RhyDin is broken.

Seirichi: Well first on my chopping block would be to get rid of the Watch. They are a joke. Seriously, a joke. That's all I hear and that's all I've seen. I watched a member of the Watch scream like a child when she lost during the Diamond Quest. I watched the SAME member of the Watch cry when I took her little Tower away from her. Without any effort, might I add. So that brings up a good question. Who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is giving these terrible people a badge and allowing them to dictate what others should do?

Harris: See, that's exactly what I mean by unconventional. Why do we have a police force in a city without any actual laws on the books? Isn't that just a waste of funds that can be funneled elsewhere? Step one, eliminate Watch. Step two, PROFIT. CHA-CHING sound effect.

Seirichi: Oh. And about what you said about Adenna. That's simple. We shoot first and ask questions later. We see some idiot summoning skeletons in the middle of a street? He's obviously a threat and getting put down. You don't allow a mad dog to run around unchecked. If I was in charge of things? I'd sit in a room for hours upon hours, day after day, week after week, and handpick an elite force that could easily outclass the current Watch. What kind of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] name is "The Watch" anyway? There has to be a better title.

Harris: Which is fine, if you're looking for order. But RhyDin is naturally chaotic. And you know what chaos is? The highest tier of TRUE FREEDOM. But you're right, we'll personally require an elite guard for the sake of policy enforcement. What else?

Seirichi: We should think about titles. This whole short-term Governor thing just wouldn't cut it. How about we throw that out the window too?

Harris: It is really an outdated title. Which is for a more structured sort of government that, you know, RhyDin doesn't actually have. How do you govern without government? Baffling. Instead we will simply be RhyDin's... Primary Internal Municipal Premiers. Or P.I.M.P.s for short.

Seirichi: I like it... but I want to be a God-Queen. How about you be a P.I.M.P. and I'll be the God-Queen. I want a throne and everything so I can sit there in that `I'm bored` pose. You know the pose I'm talking about, right?

Harris: God-Queen? That's a title you're going to have to legitimately earn first. I don't think RhyDinians are going to just let you lord over them right off the bat. But anyway... We've cut the Watch to start. And now that we're no longer footing the bill for badges and badge polishing kits, RhyDin has its first surplus! What do we spend it on?

Seirichi: But I want to be the God-Queen... but, fine. I'll just have to do many great things, or force my will on many people, and have them soon bow before me. Either way, it'll get done. I'd say we spend the surplus on pool parties. Everyone likes pool parties. But this'll be a working man's pool party. Enough of you fat cats with all your money and just shopping and drinking at bars all day. GLORY TO THE WORKING MAN! Hear that sound, rich little princesses and princes of RhyDin? That's the sound of your future crumbling. The cries of the working man will not be ignored.

Harris: I think you've got the hang of this already. Did you catch that RhyDin? Seirichi's first inclination for your future surplus is to give it back to you to enjoy. And not in the guise of some Governor's Ball in an effort to secure your votes in the next election either. Because RhyDin is your city. We want to give it back to you. One citizen at a time.

Seirichi: And then I'll become God-Queen.

Harris: I think the people will HAPPILY bestow that title upon you if you come up with more brilliant ideas.

Seirichi: Easy enough thing to do since I'll have my P.I.M.P. beside me to bounce ideas off of.

Harris: He snickers. And on that note, it's time for a commercial break. Harris/Seirichi in 2013. We promise to do better than Dris.

The segment ends with a commercial for The Don's Legitimate Pizzeria.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 051, 13 SEP 2012]

The "Price Is Right" theme rolls to introduce the segment.

Harris: We've got more calls than we can handle because everyone knows it's TRIVIA THURSDAY! APPLAUSE sound effect. That's right, one lucky caller can win a voucher for an overnight spa package at the Imperial Grand RhyDin Hotel & Casino! All they have to do is answer a few questions about their favorite early morning radio hosts. Five in a row and the prize is all yours. Miss one and we move on to the next caller. Not hard if you've been listening to the show.

Seirichi: They better be listening to the show. It's not like there's anything else worth their while on the air waves. Number one in Rhy'Din, people - right here. What other station is going to give away such fab prizes?

Harris: We've got the hook up. And all you've gotta do to get it is answer a few run of the mill questions. First on the line we've got Chaz from West End that's gonna try his hand. Welcome to the show, Chaz.

Caller #1: What's up, Harris? I just wanna say that I am absolutely gonna ace this, no problem. I've been listening since day one. No joke.

Seirichi: Oooh. We got Mr. Confidence over here.

Caller #1: I know more about you than your wife probably does, man.

Harris: That's... a very strange statement to make, Chaz. And trust me, my wife has carnal knowledge of me, so I think she's got you beat.

Caller #1: For now.

Seirichi: I really like this guy. Hear that, Chaz? You're my new favorite person. We should stalk Harris together sometime. But that's only if you can answer this question right. Annnd the first question is... Just HOW many Opal wins does my little blue haired co-host here have under his belt?

Caller #1: That's easy. Ten. Next question.

Harris: DING DING sound effect. Well, I guess he is Mr. Confidence after all.

Seirichi: That was a freebie. Alright, stump this chump so we can bring in our next caller.

Harris: Don't worry, I've got this. Chaz, what size bra does Seirichi wear?

Caller #1: Like, extra large. Double D.

Seirichi: BUZZER sound effect. WRONG! Like I even wear a bra! Sasha and Belle will not be restricted. Perks of being frozen in the body of your twenty year old self, people. No sag. Well... there's some, but it's not so bad. Want a feel? Mic jostled as she leans for Harris.

Harris: Sorry Chaz. I can vouch for Seirichi's bralessness on a daily basis. It's especially noticeable when the air conditioning is on. I almost lost an eye the other day, so I try to keep my distance. Alsace from Dockside is up next. Just gotta get five in a row Alsace. Up to the task?

Caller #2: I think I can do better than the last guy.

Harris: Hit her with it, Seirichi.

Seirichi: Like diamonds, they are. You should give 'em a little pinch. Oh, wait! We have our next contestant! Alright, let's see... Before I ended his 500 day reign, how many times did Harris defend PathFinder against SARAH?

Caller #2: Uhh, I don't really follow dueling that much but... maybe, three?

Harris: DING DING sound effect. That was a lucky guess. If we had lifelines I would've suggested you use one, but we don't.

Seirichi: Only three? Felt like five... you know, I always wondered why she didn't go after me. Scratch that. Why NO ONE went after me. Isn't that just sad?

Harris: I won't lie. It did feel like five. And after the show I'll play a tiny violin for you. Next question Alsace! Where did Seirichi place in the most recent swimsuit contest in Adenna?

Seirichi: Son of a [EXPLETIVE DELETED]...

Caller #2: I can't see her finishing anywhere other than first.

Seirichi: She's correct!

Harris: Reality says otherwise. BUZZER sound effect. Sorry Alsace. Seirichi finished in fourth.

Seirichi: It would of been first if you hadn't screwed up the score. Don't worry Alsace. I'll be sending you a free t-shirt.

Harris: You know, there were three judges. And a public poll. So you can't hang that on me, Seirichi.

Seirichi: Oh what's this? We have another caller?

Harris: The last gasp for TRIVIA THURSDAY. Let's see who we've got. Hit the button.

Seirichi: Gimme a sec. Okay, this one? We have Fang Chou calling from... Mount Yasuo? Isn't that the place with the monks and asiany things? Are you a monk? I'm going to call you FANGS.

Caller #3: Yes, I'm a monk. Long time listener, first time caller.

Harris: I didn't even know they had reception up there.

Seirichi: Don't be racist.

Caller #3: I'm calling from outside the barrier. This is really exciting!

Harris: Hey, I have a lot of friends who are monks.

Seirichi: Name them. Now. I don't believe you.

Harris: Pfft. Uhh, Kwai Chang Caine.

Seirichi: Okay... where's my notes... Papers rustle. Screw -- That sounds fake. You don't know any monks. Just admit it.

Harris: Master Splinter is a monk.

Seirichi: Splinter is a rat. Rats can't be monks.

Harris: That's racist.

Caller #3: ...hello?

Seirichi: How's that racist? He's a rat. Rats aren't people.

Harris: You're totally a xenophobe.

Seirichi: Xeno-what?! Look, rats aren't people. DEAL WITH IT. Wait... damnit, stop confusing me! I'm supposed to be asking a question!

Harris: This guy is a monk. He's not gonna know the answer. What was his name again? I think we're out of time anyway. Just send him a photo. Or a mug.

Seirichi: I think I accidentally hung up on him anyway. Oh well.

Harris: So, what? No winners today again?

Seirichi: Looks like I'll just have to use the prize for myself... AGAIN. Wait... monks can't bang, right? I think I really will send him a sexy shot. Give him something to look at during those long, cold nights.

Harris: That's a great way to build up our fan base. And just like that, Trivia Thursday is over. Try again next week RhyDin.

Seirichi: Step it up, people!

Harris: We'll be back after this short break.

The segment ends with a commercial for Acme Rocket Skates.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 5:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Excerpt of RhyDin Rewind transcript of show 057, 21 SEP 2012]

Styx's "Mr. Roboto" rolls to open the segment.

Harris: Take a moment RhyDin. I want you to listen to this. 5 seconds of dead air. That is the sound of Seirichi not interrupting me. Apparently she's detained in Adenna. The details are sketchy, but I don't think it's a coincidence she's not here on the same day of Adenna's pie eating contest finals. They love their contests up there, I swear. In her stead our technically savvy producer has picked up and modified a temporary replacement droid. If robots can play chess there's no reason they can't co-host radio shows. Seems logical to me. Introduce yourself.

RD-1: Statement: My designation is RD-1. I have been reprogrammed for witty banter, meatbag.

Harris: Meatbag? Is that part of your "witty banter" programming?

RD-1: Observation: The witty banter of this particular radio program appears to consist primarily of insults and puerile humor regarding over-sized mammary glands.

Harris: Well, I guess I can't argue with that. Anyway, today we're going to take some time and cover a few things about safety the RhyDin Welcome Center neglects to mention whenever the Nexus spits out new unfortunates. Consider this the Official New Resident Safety Guide To RhyDin. This is a public service announcement. The more you know.

RD-1: Query: What is the first piece of information you intend to dispense to the new meatbags of this city?

Harris: That's easy. Don't go outside unarmed. Ever. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

RD-1: Answer: The Shadow knows.

Harris: And if you're not The Shadow, then you don't know. So it's always best to make sure you're prepared for trouble. If not, then I hope you're a fast runner. Like a gazelle.

RD-1: Correction: The fastest land animal is in fact the cheetah.

Harris: LIKE A CHEETAH. Also, in addition to daytime safety it's also in your best interest to avoid any and all alleyways at night. That's generally where people go to murder each other or, you know, turn into werewolves. There's also the possibility of ninja ambushes. And alleys are commonly used as urinals for the homeless.

RD-1: Recitation: 97% of werewolf encounters in alleyways lead to dismemberment.

Harris: What about the other three percent?

RD-1: Answer: Those victims are instead eaten whole.

Harris: Yikes. When a robot starts spouting percentages it's in your best interest to listen. Safety first. Remember, werewolves are vulnerable to silver, vampires can't take holy water to the face, and mummies... uhh, do mummies have a weakness?

RD-1: Answer: Scissors.

Harris: Ha! Really, this sort of thing should be printed on a quick reference card people can keep in their wallet or purse. Probably in grid format. "If attacked by X, utilize Y".

RD-1: Interjection: Please make certain to let your assailant know you require a time out so you may reference this card.

Harris: That sounded like sarcasm. I think you may have been programmed too well. And you're not much to look at either.

RD-1: Query: Would it be helpful if I had a pair of watermelons attached to my chestplate?

Harris: Hmm... Possibly. We'll have to look into that upgrade at a later date. Speaking of dates, the next most valuable piece of advice for newcomers to this city is to thoroughly investigate anyone you may want to take home for, uhh, companionship. You know, make sure they're vetted a little deeper than simply asking for their ID.

RD-1: Query: Would it not be safer to patronize one of this city's numerous brothels instead?

Harris: The robot has a good point. Something else to add to your quick reference card, brothel locations. You're less likely to get your soul sucked dry by a succubus that way, because it'd be terrible for business.

RD-1: Observation: I do not believe it is souls they are most interested in sucking.

Harris: Are you even anatomically correct?

RD-1: Mockery: Are you?

Harris: Arguing with a robot seems hollow somehow.

RD-1: Statement: Much like the space between your ears will soon be, meatbag.

Harris: So, we're going to take a quick commercial break now. When we come back I'll be happy to take any bids for the new batch of scrap metal I'm about to come into possession of. Because this is not the droid I was looking for.

RD-1: Statement: In the timespan of this commercial you will once again learn how uncomfortable crashing through a table can be.

The segment ends with a commercial for Trojan Man Water Purifiers.
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