Ringside Rewind
Moderator: Staff
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Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Ringside Rewind, Diamond Edition #2
August 8th, 2013
I know what you're thinking. Why is Harris slumming it with this article when he's a huge radio superstar? Couldn't he just broadcast this on that fabulous RhyDin Rewind show everyone across the city listens to? Well, surprise! Sometimes I like to slum it and pretend I'm on the same level as the rest of you. It grants me a certain level of perspective. And effectively reminds me why I never want to be like the rest of you. That being said, as the Outback's 74th Diamond I feel it's necessary I address a few of the Outback's most outstanding issues in more detail than a simple Diamond Rules posting would allow. Am I the best Diamond ever or what?
Mentoring - To start, some people are terrible. Alright, most people are terrible. They have to get punched in the face twenty-seven times to realize they don't like getting punched in the face. If you fall in this category it may be in your best interest to find a mentor. If you don't know what mentoring is that means you've probably surpassed your limit for being punched in the face and are currently losing brain cells as you read this. How do you find a mentor? First, find the standings. Go to the top of the rankings. Read my name aloud. Collect up all the women's underwear tossed in your direction and deliver it promptly to my residence in Seaside. Then scroll down to the lesser fighters known as Emeralds. Any of them are eligible to mentor you and offer assistance if you're ranked below Sapphire. Don't be shy. Find someone you think is good, ask me if they're actually good, then get mentored!
Rank Restructuring - Obviously we have the Diamond, AKA The Ultimate Fighter. We have the Opals. We have Emeralds. Then there are all these other ranks I mostly have trouble remembering. I know they're "lower ranks", so why can't we just group them all together for the sake of brevity? The lower ranks should simply be referred to as "The Scrub Division". Once you hit 15 wins over losses you get promoted to "The Elite Division". The Diamond presents you with your certificate of achievement and you get to grope Seirichi for five seconds. If you drop below 15 wins over losses and return to "The Scrub Division" the current Panther's Claw holder flogs you. With the Panther's Claw. How is that not a fantastic new Outback tradition?
Traditions - Speaking of tradition, respect needs to be paid to the men and women who have spilt blood and spit teeth across the Outback's floor. I've done my part by issuing an appropriate set of Diamond Rules for this cycle. But still, everyone has a responsibility to recognize and follow the other Outback traditions. When you see Jake, punch him in the face. Outback tradition. When Matt hollers about how old he is and needs a fight, wiggle his catheter. Outback tradition. When you see the Diamond, AVERT YOUR GAZE TO THE FLOOR, AS YOU SHOULD NEVER LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE DIAMOND! Outback tradition. I think you get it.
Victory Poses - So, you just managed to squeeze off a 5-4 win. You're short of breath. A tooth is missing. Pop quiz. What do you do next? Pat your opponent on the back and thank them for the match? WRONG ANSWER. You shame them appropriately and prove your superiority by busting out the best win pose you can manage all up in their grill. Everyone should have a variety of victory poses, inappropriate dances, and possibly footballs to spike after a hard fought victory. A cheeky line or two also wouldn't hurt. Remember, a shameful defeat is the most inspiring defeat. Your opponent will thank you later for making them drive that much harder the next time you fight, assuming they don't seek revenge in some other manner that involves tire irons and/or explosions. Or they could just go home and be a family man.
Together, with my guidance, we can make my reign as YOUR 74th Diamond even more important and memorable. All you have to do is whatever I say, because as Diamond I have your best interests at heart. Have I mentioned yet that I'm Diamond? Okay, good. Now go do all the things and enjoy your time in RhyDin's superior venue, The Outback!
August 8th, 2013
I know what you're thinking. Why is Harris slumming it with this article when he's a huge radio superstar? Couldn't he just broadcast this on that fabulous RhyDin Rewind show everyone across the city listens to? Well, surprise! Sometimes I like to slum it and pretend I'm on the same level as the rest of you. It grants me a certain level of perspective. And effectively reminds me why I never want to be like the rest of you. That being said, as the Outback's 74th Diamond I feel it's necessary I address a few of the Outback's most outstanding issues in more detail than a simple Diamond Rules posting would allow. Am I the best Diamond ever or what?
Mentoring - To start, some people are terrible. Alright, most people are terrible. They have to get punched in the face twenty-seven times to realize they don't like getting punched in the face. If you fall in this category it may be in your best interest to find a mentor. If you don't know what mentoring is that means you've probably surpassed your limit for being punched in the face and are currently losing brain cells as you read this. How do you find a mentor? First, find the standings. Go to the top of the rankings. Read my name aloud. Collect up all the women's underwear tossed in your direction and deliver it promptly to my residence in Seaside. Then scroll down to the lesser fighters known as Emeralds. Any of them are eligible to mentor you and offer assistance if you're ranked below Sapphire. Don't be shy. Find someone you think is good, ask me if they're actually good, then get mentored!
Rank Restructuring - Obviously we have the Diamond, AKA The Ultimate Fighter. We have the Opals. We have Emeralds. Then there are all these other ranks I mostly have trouble remembering. I know they're "lower ranks", so why can't we just group them all together for the sake of brevity? The lower ranks should simply be referred to as "The Scrub Division". Once you hit 15 wins over losses you get promoted to "The Elite Division". The Diamond presents you with your certificate of achievement and you get to grope Seirichi for five seconds. If you drop below 15 wins over losses and return to "The Scrub Division" the current Panther's Claw holder flogs you. With the Panther's Claw. How is that not a fantastic new Outback tradition?
Traditions - Speaking of tradition, respect needs to be paid to the men and women who have spilt blood and spit teeth across the Outback's floor. I've done my part by issuing an appropriate set of Diamond Rules for this cycle. But still, everyone has a responsibility to recognize and follow the other Outback traditions. When you see Jake, punch him in the face. Outback tradition. When Matt hollers about how old he is and needs a fight, wiggle his catheter. Outback tradition. When you see the Diamond, AVERT YOUR GAZE TO THE FLOOR, AS YOU SHOULD NEVER LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE DIAMOND! Outback tradition. I think you get it.
Victory Poses - So, you just managed to squeeze off a 5-4 win. You're short of breath. A tooth is missing. Pop quiz. What do you do next? Pat your opponent on the back and thank them for the match? WRONG ANSWER. You shame them appropriately and prove your superiority by busting out the best win pose you can manage all up in their grill. Everyone should have a variety of victory poses, inappropriate dances, and possibly footballs to spike after a hard fought victory. A cheeky line or two also wouldn't hurt. Remember, a shameful defeat is the most inspiring defeat. Your opponent will thank you later for making them drive that much harder the next time you fight, assuming they don't seek revenge in some other manner that involves tire irons and/or explosions. Or they could just go home and be a family man.
Together, with my guidance, we can make my reign as YOUR 74th Diamond even more important and memorable. All you have to do is whatever I say, because as Diamond I have your best interests at heart. Have I mentioned yet that I'm Diamond? Okay, good. Now go do all the things and enjoy your time in RhyDin's superior venue, The Outback!
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Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Ringside Rewind, Special Edition
Anubis Karos: A Battle For Relevancy In The Modern Era
April 24th, 2014
In the last year Jake Thrash has won 3 consecutive Diamond Quests, broken the 100 wins over losses barrier, become the Outback's 6th All Title Holder, and won the Kiowa Belt in IFL. In the last year Matthew Simon has set a new record for most consecutive Opal defenses with 12 and become the Outback's 7th All Title Holder. In the last year I've won Diamond Quest 74, my third, as well as added an Opal and at present three Opal defenses to my record. In the last year Anubis Karos has... held ShadoWeaver for 17 days.
Which one of those things doesn't belong with the others?
Watching Anubis in the modern era is akin to watching Mur struggle through an AA meeting. It's strangely hilarious when it should really instead elicit feelings of sympathy. Yes, after all his attempts at using the dueling venues to round up slaves to mine blood diamonds or whatever, you should feel sorry for Anubis. Because he used to be somebody. He used to be a contender. Now he's just a shining example of what the pinnacle of human incompetence looks like. Thankfully I'm here to take you down the path to see exactly where things went wrong these last few years and why Anubis stopped being relevant to the sport we all know today.
2011: Up and coming duelist Candy Hart defeated Anubis for FireStar in November. He was sad and cried himself to sleep for the rest of the year.
2012: He came back for his favorite Opal though, and Candy beat him a second time like he stole something. Having lost two challenges to Candy in four consecutive matches, Anubis moved on to another challenger: Matthew Algiers Simon, who was then the current holder of IceDancer. This is when the Anubis of today was forcefully expelled from the birth canal of complete and total ineptitude. He issued three challenges for Matt's Opal, and each challenge was invalid. We all laughed, because it was pretty funny, honestly. He even tried challenging Matt when he already had a challenge pending from Ria Graziano. The last time I saw this type of confusion King was trying to decide which public restroom to use.
2013: However, eventually Anubis got it right on his fourth try. Then Matt beat him like he stole something. Wait, did I use that already? It's going to be difficult for me to come up with multiple ways to colorfully explain Anubis getting beaten, since it's happened so frequently. Ahem. Matt beat him like a red-headed stepchild, in two straight matches. This was Matt's 10th consecutive defense, and broke the record of 9 defenses previously held by, you guessed it, Anubis Karos. Ouch.
The snafus didn't end there. Hydra Cup, Season 2 rolled around and Anubis set his sights on FireStar again, then held by Rakeesh Sah Tarna. The liontaur convinced Anubis to rescind his challenge, then reissue it so that it would count toward Hydra Cup's scoring. Unfortunately when Anubis did reissue it, he was no longer eligible to challenge and had to pull out like he was in the back room with one of his underaged slave girls. Ooopsie!
You may remember his challenge against Nayun from October. She's autistic. He lost anyway.
It would be unfair of me to not at least spend some time focused on Anubis's success. He did beat Kalamere for ShadoWeaver. After 2 years, he finally had an Opal again. His elation lasted for 17 days before Bane beat him like he stol-- err, beat him like a rented mule.
2014: All caught up? Now we're in the present, so none of this is new. I won FireStar and called Anubis out. He decided to go fight Lilly to, uhh, spite me I suppose? That didn't go well last month, because he lost in two straight again. After showing up late. She gave him a $3 haircut. Do the kids even still say that these days?
Harris/Anubis III is a battle for relevancy. A battle to regain legitimacy. For Anubis. I'm too handsome, debonair, and ring savvy to ever fall out of favor or allow my skills to atrophy. So when a date is set and an official is chosen, find your way to the Outback to watch all the action. You might have the privilege of seeing Anubis turn a corner. Or get stomped out into retirement.
Anubis Karos: A Battle For Relevancy In The Modern Era
April 24th, 2014
In the last year Jake Thrash has won 3 consecutive Diamond Quests, broken the 100 wins over losses barrier, become the Outback's 6th All Title Holder, and won the Kiowa Belt in IFL. In the last year Matthew Simon has set a new record for most consecutive Opal defenses with 12 and become the Outback's 7th All Title Holder. In the last year I've won Diamond Quest 74, my third, as well as added an Opal and at present three Opal defenses to my record. In the last year Anubis Karos has... held ShadoWeaver for 17 days.
Which one of those things doesn't belong with the others?
Watching Anubis in the modern era is akin to watching Mur struggle through an AA meeting. It's strangely hilarious when it should really instead elicit feelings of sympathy. Yes, after all his attempts at using the dueling venues to round up slaves to mine blood diamonds or whatever, you should feel sorry for Anubis. Because he used to be somebody. He used to be a contender. Now he's just a shining example of what the pinnacle of human incompetence looks like. Thankfully I'm here to take you down the path to see exactly where things went wrong these last few years and why Anubis stopped being relevant to the sport we all know today.
2011: Up and coming duelist Candy Hart defeated Anubis for FireStar in November. He was sad and cried himself to sleep for the rest of the year.
2012: He came back for his favorite Opal though, and Candy beat him a second time like he stole something. Having lost two challenges to Candy in four consecutive matches, Anubis moved on to another challenger: Matthew Algiers Simon, who was then the current holder of IceDancer. This is when the Anubis of today was forcefully expelled from the birth canal of complete and total ineptitude. He issued three challenges for Matt's Opal, and each challenge was invalid. We all laughed, because it was pretty funny, honestly. He even tried challenging Matt when he already had a challenge pending from Ria Graziano. The last time I saw this type of confusion King was trying to decide which public restroom to use.
2013: However, eventually Anubis got it right on his fourth try. Then Matt beat him like he stole something. Wait, did I use that already? It's going to be difficult for me to come up with multiple ways to colorfully explain Anubis getting beaten, since it's happened so frequently. Ahem. Matt beat him like a red-headed stepchild, in two straight matches. This was Matt's 10th consecutive defense, and broke the record of 9 defenses previously held by, you guessed it, Anubis Karos. Ouch.
The snafus didn't end there. Hydra Cup, Season 2 rolled around and Anubis set his sights on FireStar again, then held by Rakeesh Sah Tarna. The liontaur convinced Anubis to rescind his challenge, then reissue it so that it would count toward Hydra Cup's scoring. Unfortunately when Anubis did reissue it, he was no longer eligible to challenge and had to pull out like he was in the back room with one of his underaged slave girls. Ooopsie!
You may remember his challenge against Nayun from October. She's autistic. He lost anyway.
It would be unfair of me to not at least spend some time focused on Anubis's success. He did beat Kalamere for ShadoWeaver. After 2 years, he finally had an Opal again. His elation lasted for 17 days before Bane beat him like he stol-- err, beat him like a rented mule.
2014: All caught up? Now we're in the present, so none of this is new. I won FireStar and called Anubis out. He decided to go fight Lilly to, uhh, spite me I suppose? That didn't go well last month, because he lost in two straight again. After showing up late. She gave him a $3 haircut. Do the kids even still say that these days?
Harris/Anubis III is a battle for relevancy. A battle to regain legitimacy. For Anubis. I'm too handsome, debonair, and ring savvy to ever fall out of favor or allow my skills to atrophy. So when a date is set and an official is chosen, find your way to the Outback to watch all the action. You might have the privilege of seeing Anubis turn a corner. Or get stomped out into retirement.
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Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Ringside Rewind, Special Edition
Team Building For Dummies
June 1st, 2016
With a 4th season of Hydra looming and an anticipated 6th season of IFL likely later this year, it seems like the perfect time to address an issue that tends to plague both leagues: depressingly awful team building. For some reason people have to learn that getting the hell beat out of them for six to eight weeks isn't fun, regardless of how many friends they do it with. Thankfully I've taken my experience as a championship Captain and created this easy to follow flowchart to help you decide if you should even attempt to build a team, and if not what you should do instead. Results are 103% accurate, assuming you don't lie to the chart. You're welcome.
((Click to enlarge))
Team Building For Dummies
June 1st, 2016
With a 4th season of Hydra looming and an anticipated 6th season of IFL likely later this year, it seems like the perfect time to address an issue that tends to plague both leagues: depressingly awful team building. For some reason people have to learn that getting the hell beat out of them for six to eight weeks isn't fun, regardless of how many friends they do it with. Thankfully I've taken my experience as a championship Captain and created this easy to follow flowchart to help you decide if you should even attempt to build a team, and if not what you should do instead. Results are 103% accurate, assuming you don't lie to the chart. You're welcome.
((Click to enlarge))
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Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Ringside Rewind, Diamond Edition #3
July 28th, 2016
Since 1995 the Outback has hosted 86 Diamond Quests. All of them were important, you know, if you happened to win. But not all of them are equal when it comes to historical significance. That means it's time for another history lesson, brought to you by YOUR 86th Diamond. Let's take a look at...
The 5 Most Significant Diamond Quests in Outback History (in chronological order)
DQ I (January 15, 1995) - The first. Not the best, but still the first. At a time when there wasn’t a top title in DoF, four fighters vied to be the inaugural Diamond. To put it in perspective as to how long ago this was, Jake was there and Matt hadn’t even been born yet. MIND BOGGLING. Ulath ni Fici was victorious and crowned Diamond. I’m pretty sure not long after that he died, but don’t quote me on that. RIP Ulath.
DQ XI (October 10, 1997) - Nearly three years after the introduction of the Diamond, the Outback debuted another new title: Opals. Five gems of mystery. Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Pl-- Oh, wait. Most of that is right, except the Outback got gypped out of a heart stone and got ShadoWeaver instead. The records are spotty but one can safely assume that this 17 man Diamond Quest was likely the largest in history and Jeffery Oakenshield holds the honor of winning it. Ian Munro, Ulath ni Fici, Marzan DeBurgo, Nova Shayde, and Imp (not the weird lech from the Arena) took home Opals. I’m pretty sure not long after that most of them died.
DQ XVII (April 10, 1999) - You know why we have Diamond Rules? Because of this Diamond Quest, won by Jesse Troyan. Arguably all the rules he proposed should just be permanent in my opinion, to honor his passing since I’m pretty sure he died not long after.
DQ XXXIII (April 12, 2003) - Hey, look at that, the first DQ I won. How’d that get here? Honestly, if this list was in any order other than chronological I’d have put this one at the top. If I have to tell you why this is important then you should probably take a dive off of Styx into an empty Pool.
DQ LX (January 24, 2010) - Naturally you’re assuming I added this Diamond Quest to the list because of its historical significance of being the 9th DQ Matt Simon has won, which broke the record of 8 previously held by Matt Simon, which broke the record of 7 previously held by Matt Simon, which broke the record of 6 previously held by Matt Simon, which broke the record of 5 previously held by Matt Simon, which broke the record of 4 previously held by Matt Simon, which tied the record of 3 previously held by Matt Simon & Imp. No, this Diamond Quest is noteworthy because it’ll probably go down in history as the last DQ Matt ever won.
Don't agree with this list? Do your own research then and PROVE ME WRONG.
July 28th, 2016
Since 1995 the Outback has hosted 86 Diamond Quests. All of them were important, you know, if you happened to win. But not all of them are equal when it comes to historical significance. That means it's time for another history lesson, brought to you by YOUR 86th Diamond. Let's take a look at...
The 5 Most Significant Diamond Quests in Outback History (in chronological order)
DQ I (January 15, 1995) - The first. Not the best, but still the first. At a time when there wasn’t a top title in DoF, four fighters vied to be the inaugural Diamond. To put it in perspective as to how long ago this was, Jake was there and Matt hadn’t even been born yet. MIND BOGGLING. Ulath ni Fici was victorious and crowned Diamond. I’m pretty sure not long after that he died, but don’t quote me on that. RIP Ulath.
DQ XI (October 10, 1997) - Nearly three years after the introduction of the Diamond, the Outback debuted another new title: Opals. Five gems of mystery. Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Pl-- Oh, wait. Most of that is right, except the Outback got gypped out of a heart stone and got ShadoWeaver instead. The records are spotty but one can safely assume that this 17 man Diamond Quest was likely the largest in history and Jeffery Oakenshield holds the honor of winning it. Ian Munro, Ulath ni Fici, Marzan DeBurgo, Nova Shayde, and Imp (not the weird lech from the Arena) took home Opals. I’m pretty sure not long after that most of them died.
DQ XVII (April 10, 1999) - You know why we have Diamond Rules? Because of this Diamond Quest, won by Jesse Troyan. Arguably all the rules he proposed should just be permanent in my opinion, to honor his passing since I’m pretty sure he died not long after.
DQ XXXIII (April 12, 2003) - Hey, look at that, the first DQ I won. How’d that get here? Honestly, if this list was in any order other than chronological I’d have put this one at the top. If I have to tell you why this is important then you should probably take a dive off of Styx into an empty Pool.
DQ LX (January 24, 2010) - Naturally you’re assuming I added this Diamond Quest to the list because of its historical significance of being the 9th DQ Matt Simon has won, which broke the record of 8 previously held by Matt Simon, which broke the record of 7 previously held by Matt Simon, which broke the record of 6 previously held by Matt Simon, which broke the record of 5 previously held by Matt Simon, which broke the record of 4 previously held by Matt Simon, which tied the record of 3 previously held by Matt Simon & Imp. No, this Diamond Quest is noteworthy because it’ll probably go down in history as the last DQ Matt ever won.
Don't agree with this list? Do your own research then and PROVE ME WRONG.
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Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Ringside Rewind, Special Edition
Lady Problems
January 18th, 2017
Unless you were living under a rock this past weekend, Claire Caelum-Farron-Gallows-King walked away from DQ LXXXVIII not just with the Diamond, but also as the 8th and first female Triple Crown. There really isn’t anything bad you can say about that, but it does raise a curious question. Why did it take so long? I mean, not for Claire, she’s only been dueling for four years. Why did it take the women 22 years to earn one? You can double check my math all you want, it’s perfectly accurate. With Overlord having been established in 1992 and both Diamond & ArchMage introduced in 1995, there have been three Supreme Titles for over two decades. The first seven Triple Crowns were all male. Even as I write this there are only three other women standing on the precipice, Jaycy, Rena and Anubis, who need to acquire either ArchMage or Diamond in order to join Claire. In the occasional battle of the sexes known as the InterGender War, the men hold a stellar 3-1-1 record, with the ladies having not won since the inaugural edition in 2000. Now, I’m not going to come out and claim that women are the “weaker” gender, since I think the statistics already do that for me.
What does this all mean? I dunno, it was mostly meant to be informative. I suppose “get good” is too broad a suggestion. Perhaps Claire’s ascension will effectively shame the rest of her gender into action. If not I’m always happy to have more sandwich makers.
Lady Problems
January 18th, 2017
Unless you were living under a rock this past weekend, Claire Caelum-Farron-Gallows-King walked away from DQ LXXXVIII not just with the Diamond, but also as the 8th and first female Triple Crown. There really isn’t anything bad you can say about that, but it does raise a curious question. Why did it take so long? I mean, not for Claire, she’s only been dueling for four years. Why did it take the women 22 years to earn one? You can double check my math all you want, it’s perfectly accurate. With Overlord having been established in 1992 and both Diamond & ArchMage introduced in 1995, there have been three Supreme Titles for over two decades. The first seven Triple Crowns were all male. Even as I write this there are only three other women standing on the precipice, Jaycy, Rena and Anubis, who need to acquire either ArchMage or Diamond in order to join Claire. In the occasional battle of the sexes known as the InterGender War, the men hold a stellar 3-1-1 record, with the ladies having not won since the inaugural edition in 2000. Now, I’m not going to come out and claim that women are the “weaker” gender, since I think the statistics already do that for me.
What does this all mean? I dunno, it was mostly meant to be informative. I suppose “get good” is too broad a suggestion. Perhaps Claire’s ascension will effectively shame the rest of her gender into action. If not I’m always happy to have more sandwich makers.
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Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Ringside Rewind, Special Edition
A Combined Tale Of The Tape
April 27th, 2017
Matt Simon vs Harris D'Artainian.
Match of the year? Please. Match of the decade, at the very least. Unfortunately we live in an era where the true excellence of legends goes underappreciated. Every Tom, Dick, & Sally that shows up and wins a couple of rocks thinks they're entitled to be enshrined in the pantheon of greats. But this match on Sunday will truly be a battle of titans who have earned their status via blood, sweat, tears, and not smiling ever. Let's scratch the surface of just a few of the accomplishments Matt & I share that will make this an instant classic.
14 Diamond Quest Victories
Matt: 28, 29, 31, 34, 42, 43, 45, 46, 60
Me: 33, 36, 74, 85, 86
The oldest DQ on this list, #28, was held in 2002. The most recent, #86, was held in 2016. That amounts to 14 Diamonds in 14 years, an unprecedented display of Godlike talent if I do say so myself.
21 Opals Earned
Matt: ShadoWeaver (3), FireStar, PathFinder, IceDancer, MoonBeryl (3)
Me: ShadoWeaver, FireStar (3), PathFinder (5), IceDancer (2), MoonBeryl
You know how many people had to get their faces punched in for us to win all these Opals? A whole goddamn lot, that's how many. Mathematicians don't even have a number for it.
33 Defenses Won
Matt's Notable Defenses: Mur Ollavan (4 times in a single reign), Anubis Karos (A record breaking 10th consecutive defense of IceDancer), Jaycy Ashleana (2 times)
My Notable Defenses: Jaycy Ashleana (2 times), Anubis Karos, Dizzy Flores
Geeze. This is even more people getting punched in the face than the last statistic. The bulk of Matt's defenses (12 of 17) were earned in a single reign when he held IceDancer from 2010 through 2013. A shade over half of my defenses (9 of 16) were won while holding PathFinder.
In addition to the aforementioned feats, Matt and I share a combined 700+ Wins over Losses, 2 IFL Championships (including playoff MVP awards), and a total of 67 Opal challenges fought. You'd think that was enough to make my point, but this still doesn't factor in other accomplishments unique to each competitor in the sport.
So make sure you get your tickets at the gate of the Iron Fists Garden for what will undoubtedly be one of the most skillful in ring displays of all time!
A Combined Tale Of The Tape
April 27th, 2017
Matt Simon vs Harris D'Artainian.
Match of the year? Please. Match of the decade, at the very least. Unfortunately we live in an era where the true excellence of legends goes underappreciated. Every Tom, Dick, & Sally that shows up and wins a couple of rocks thinks they're entitled to be enshrined in the pantheon of greats. But this match on Sunday will truly be a battle of titans who have earned their status via blood, sweat, tears, and not smiling ever. Let's scratch the surface of just a few of the accomplishments Matt & I share that will make this an instant classic.
14 Diamond Quest Victories
Matt: 28, 29, 31, 34, 42, 43, 45, 46, 60
Me: 33, 36, 74, 85, 86
The oldest DQ on this list, #28, was held in 2002. The most recent, #86, was held in 2016. That amounts to 14 Diamonds in 14 years, an unprecedented display of Godlike talent if I do say so myself.
21 Opals Earned
Matt: ShadoWeaver (3), FireStar, PathFinder, IceDancer, MoonBeryl (3)
Me: ShadoWeaver, FireStar (3), PathFinder (5), IceDancer (2), MoonBeryl
You know how many people had to get their faces punched in for us to win all these Opals? A whole goddamn lot, that's how many. Mathematicians don't even have a number for it.
33 Defenses Won
Matt's Notable Defenses: Mur Ollavan (4 times in a single reign), Anubis Karos (A record breaking 10th consecutive defense of IceDancer), Jaycy Ashleana (2 times)
My Notable Defenses: Jaycy Ashleana (2 times), Anubis Karos, Dizzy Flores
Geeze. This is even more people getting punched in the face than the last statistic. The bulk of Matt's defenses (12 of 17) were earned in a single reign when he held IceDancer from 2010 through 2013. A shade over half of my defenses (9 of 16) were won while holding PathFinder.
In addition to the aforementioned feats, Matt and I share a combined 700+ Wins over Losses, 2 IFL Championships (including playoff MVP awards), and a total of 67 Opal challenges fought. You'd think that was enough to make my point, but this still doesn't factor in other accomplishments unique to each competitor in the sport.
So make sure you get your tickets at the gate of the Iron Fists Garden for what will undoubtedly be one of the most skillful in ring displays of all time!
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Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Ringside Rewind, Special Edition
The Definitive 6 Step Greatness Checklist
May 29th, 2017
For people that aren't me determining personal excellence in the Outback can be difficult. Plenty of individuals desire to be exceptional, but they need the proper template for success so that they too can one day be enshrined in the pantheon of greatness. If you're a greenhorn, use this as a guide for your career. If you're a seasoned veteran, use this to determine what, if anything, you're missing to attain that elusive level of renown. Or just go do Magic if you don't wanna have to try hard.
1. How Many Diamonds Do I Have?
One sweaty night of rolling around in the Outback with burly menfolk and fit ladywomen is a secret fantasy Nayun once told me she had. It also happens to be how you win a Diamond. That being said, if you're not one of the 45 individuals to have won one (or two, or three, or five, or six, or nine) Diamond Quest(s) then, well, sorry. Without this on your resume any claims of greatness will always ring hollow. It's easily the most important item on this list. Thankfully there's a Quest every three months from now until Matt runs out of money to buy Diamonds. If that happens he'll probably just give the winner a pearl necklace instead. Bring goggles.
2. How Many Opals Do I Have?
In theory one could be great without ever having won an Opal. Ten Diamond Quests passed before Opals even showed up. But they've been in circulation for, like, 20 years now so it's absurd to think they aren't a necessary ingredient in determining your greatness. Would you bake a cake without flour? The Opals are the flour in your cake of greatness. Or maybe Diamonds are the flour and Opals are the butter. This is turning out to be an expensive cake. In any case, whatever number you think is impressive, add four and that's probably what you need to have. Or start at the top and see where you fall in comparison with the best. Both work.
3. How Many Opal Defenses Do I Have?
Winning a challenge and defending an Opal are basically the same thing. You beat someone in a best of three contest. However winning titles is mistakenly held in much higher regard than logging defenses. Optimally you want your title/defense ratio to be 1:1 or better proving that you can retain what you earn, as beating all comers is how some of the best have made their bones. Tarl Cabot's single Opal reign with MoonBeryl put him on the map with 6 consecutive defenses, which allows him to still sit in the top ten of most overall defenses today, 17 years after the fact. The point is, when you have a thing and people want the thing you have you should punch them and keep your thing for as long as possible. It's actually pretty impressive when you do it right. Just ask Mur. Or Matt. Or, gag, Anubis if your rabies shots are up to date.
4. What's My Overall Challenge Record?
As a rule of thumb if you want to be great you should generally win more than you lose. Plus, considering not every Opal is won via challenge it's all the more important to have a challenge record that's not in the red. So, take all the challenges and defenses you've won and put them in the "W" column. Then take all the challenges and defenses you've lost and put them in the "L" column. Is the number in your W column larger than the number in your L column? If the answer is no then you might just be more persistent than you are talented. Time to hunker down and improve your ratio if you want to elevate yourself from mediocre to omg awesome fantastic epic amazeballs. Nobody likes carrying around Ls, so bury them in Ws. I read that in a fortune cookie once.
5. Did I IFL Good?
You know you did if you either have a championship ring, won the Kiowa Belt, or earned the league's Powerhouse ranking. A championship is the pinnacle of group success. Powerhouse is the pinnacle of individual success as it can only be earned by finishing in the top 15% of the league. The Kiowa Belt is nice because it's shiny. If you missed IFL then that sucks for you.
6. Do I Have Other Stuff?
Lots of WoL is cool, but really, who knows who you beat for that. Coulda been mostly Glass ranked scrubs. All Title Holder sounds nice too, but what's the difference between holding one Opal five times and holding each Opal once? Absolutely nothing. Then there's the InterGender War and Panther's Claw and stuff so old even Jake probably doesn't remember it, like Brute Of The Week. Granted if you're missing any of the previous items on this checklist you can always yell super loud about your miscellaneous accomplishments in an attempt to fill the gap. Let me know how that goes for you.
TL;DR Version: Win a Diamond, win some Opals, vigorously defend said Opals, win more challenges than you lose, kick ass in IFL, and do some other stuff if you've got time. Nobody is saying you can't still be good even if you're missing items on this list. I won't judge you for settling for less and other people shouldn't either. Just kidding, of course I'm going to judge you. Now go out there and be somebody!
The Definitive 6 Step Greatness Checklist
May 29th, 2017
For people that aren't me determining personal excellence in the Outback can be difficult. Plenty of individuals desire to be exceptional, but they need the proper template for success so that they too can one day be enshrined in the pantheon of greatness. If you're a greenhorn, use this as a guide for your career. If you're a seasoned veteran, use this to determine what, if anything, you're missing to attain that elusive level of renown. Or just go do Magic if you don't wanna have to try hard.
1. How Many Diamonds Do I Have?
One sweaty night of rolling around in the Outback with burly menfolk and fit ladywomen is a secret fantasy Nayun once told me she had. It also happens to be how you win a Diamond. That being said, if you're not one of the 45 individuals to have won one (or two, or three, or five, or six, or nine) Diamond Quest(s) then, well, sorry. Without this on your resume any claims of greatness will always ring hollow. It's easily the most important item on this list. Thankfully there's a Quest every three months from now until Matt runs out of money to buy Diamonds. If that happens he'll probably just give the winner a pearl necklace instead. Bring goggles.
2. How Many Opals Do I Have?
In theory one could be great without ever having won an Opal. Ten Diamond Quests passed before Opals even showed up. But they've been in circulation for, like, 20 years now so it's absurd to think they aren't a necessary ingredient in determining your greatness. Would you bake a cake without flour? The Opals are the flour in your cake of greatness. Or maybe Diamonds are the flour and Opals are the butter. This is turning out to be an expensive cake. In any case, whatever number you think is impressive, add four and that's probably what you need to have. Or start at the top and see where you fall in comparison with the best. Both work.
3. How Many Opal Defenses Do I Have?
Winning a challenge and defending an Opal are basically the same thing. You beat someone in a best of three contest. However winning titles is mistakenly held in much higher regard than logging defenses. Optimally you want your title/defense ratio to be 1:1 or better proving that you can retain what you earn, as beating all comers is how some of the best have made their bones. Tarl Cabot's single Opal reign with MoonBeryl put him on the map with 6 consecutive defenses, which allows him to still sit in the top ten of most overall defenses today, 17 years after the fact. The point is, when you have a thing and people want the thing you have you should punch them and keep your thing for as long as possible. It's actually pretty impressive when you do it right. Just ask Mur. Or Matt. Or, gag, Anubis if your rabies shots are up to date.
4. What's My Overall Challenge Record?
As a rule of thumb if you want to be great you should generally win more than you lose. Plus, considering not every Opal is won via challenge it's all the more important to have a challenge record that's not in the red. So, take all the challenges and defenses you've won and put them in the "W" column. Then take all the challenges and defenses you've lost and put them in the "L" column. Is the number in your W column larger than the number in your L column? If the answer is no then you might just be more persistent than you are talented. Time to hunker down and improve your ratio if you want to elevate yourself from mediocre to omg awesome fantastic epic amazeballs. Nobody likes carrying around Ls, so bury them in Ws. I read that in a fortune cookie once.
5. Did I IFL Good?
You know you did if you either have a championship ring, won the Kiowa Belt, or earned the league's Powerhouse ranking. A championship is the pinnacle of group success. Powerhouse is the pinnacle of individual success as it can only be earned by finishing in the top 15% of the league. The Kiowa Belt is nice because it's shiny. If you missed IFL then that sucks for you.
6. Do I Have Other Stuff?
Lots of WoL is cool, but really, who knows who you beat for that. Coulda been mostly Glass ranked scrubs. All Title Holder sounds nice too, but what's the difference between holding one Opal five times and holding each Opal once? Absolutely nothing. Then there's the InterGender War and Panther's Claw and stuff so old even Jake probably doesn't remember it, like Brute Of The Week. Granted if you're missing any of the previous items on this checklist you can always yell super loud about your miscellaneous accomplishments in an attempt to fill the gap. Let me know how that goes for you.
TL;DR Version: Win a Diamond, win some Opals, vigorously defend said Opals, win more challenges than you lose, kick ass in IFL, and do some other stuff if you've got time. Nobody is saying you can't still be good even if you're missing items on this list. I won't judge you for settling for less and other people shouldn't either. Just kidding, of course I'm going to judge you. Now go out there and be somebody!
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Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Re: Ringside Rewind
Ringside Rewind, Special Edition
The Great Drought
April 3rd, 2019
I know what you’re asking. “Harris, why are you back writing this column again when you’ve clearly ascended beyond this paltry realm’s comparatively insignificant house of combat known as The Outback?” It’s a fair question. Only the most noteworthy events catch my eye, and the most recent FireStar challenge falls into that category. Why? Because thanks to Melanie Rostol The Outback managed to end the longest (probably) challenge drought in it’s history, a whopping 320 days. That’s six dog years if you’re a Graziano. Prior to last night the most recent Opal challenge was one held on May 17th, 2018 between Apple and Dizzy over IceDancer. So really, do yourself a favor and give Melanie a hearty pat on the butt next time you see her for doing something the other Emeralds seemingly found too difficult the last 10 1/2 months.
So who’s to blame for this lack of challenges? Matt being terrible? Lazy Emeralds? Matt being terri-... wait, I said that already. Emeralds being lazy? I guess those are the only two available options. All the energy IFL seemed to generate for the sport over the last several years has apparently evaporated into thin air. When Apple made it clear she was eager for challengers for FireStar a couple of months ago there were crickets before she eventually opted to retire the title. Meanwhile, over in the Arena, Best Chae was able to field three Baronial challenges in a single night. In fact during the Outback’s 320 day drought the Duel of Swords held 18 challenge matches. During the same time span. “But Harris, DoS is a different sport and they have grants for lower ranks and the Outback only has five titles you can challenge for while Swords has eight and, but, blah blah blah blah excuse!” Okay, fine. You know how many challenges there were on Twilight Island? Three. If you’re losing to the Duel of Magic in any statistical category except for ‘Duels With Magic’ you should probably re-evaluate your existence.
At the end of the day it’s pretty simple. If you’re an Emerald, act like one. Take someone’s Opal to prove your superiority, or because it’s your favorite color, or because you think they’re too kawaii. At this point the reason doesn’t matter, just get out there and punch faces like God intended. If you’re Matt, remember that I know where Rask is buried and several excellent necromancers. And that Koy’s too good for you. And that only one of those kids is actually yours. And that everyone hates the RASG. And that Rekah was a better Governor.
As always, you’re welcome.
The Great Drought
April 3rd, 2019
I know what you’re asking. “Harris, why are you back writing this column again when you’ve clearly ascended beyond this paltry realm’s comparatively insignificant house of combat known as The Outback?” It’s a fair question. Only the most noteworthy events catch my eye, and the most recent FireStar challenge falls into that category. Why? Because thanks to Melanie Rostol The Outback managed to end the longest (probably) challenge drought in it’s history, a whopping 320 days. That’s six dog years if you’re a Graziano. Prior to last night the most recent Opal challenge was one held on May 17th, 2018 between Apple and Dizzy over IceDancer. So really, do yourself a favor and give Melanie a hearty pat on the butt next time you see her for doing something the other Emeralds seemingly found too difficult the last 10 1/2 months.
So who’s to blame for this lack of challenges? Matt being terrible? Lazy Emeralds? Matt being terri-... wait, I said that already. Emeralds being lazy? I guess those are the only two available options. All the energy IFL seemed to generate for the sport over the last several years has apparently evaporated into thin air. When Apple made it clear she was eager for challengers for FireStar a couple of months ago there were crickets before she eventually opted to retire the title. Meanwhile, over in the Arena, Best Chae was able to field three Baronial challenges in a single night. In fact during the Outback’s 320 day drought the Duel of Swords held 18 challenge matches. During the same time span. “But Harris, DoS is a different sport and they have grants for lower ranks and the Outback only has five titles you can challenge for while Swords has eight and, but, blah blah blah blah excuse!” Okay, fine. You know how many challenges there were on Twilight Island? Three. If you’re losing to the Duel of Magic in any statistical category except for ‘Duels With Magic’ you should probably re-evaluate your existence.
At the end of the day it’s pretty simple. If you’re an Emerald, act like one. Take someone’s Opal to prove your superiority, or because it’s your favorite color, or because you think they’re too kawaii. At this point the reason doesn’t matter, just get out there and punch faces like God intended. If you’re Matt, remember that I know where Rask is buried and several excellent necromancers. And that Koy’s too good for you. And that only one of those kids is actually yours. And that everyone hates the RASG. And that Rekah was a better Governor.
As always, you’re welcome.
-
Harris
- Legendary Adventurer
- King Of The Outback
- Posts: 1427
- Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 3:26 pm
- Location: Sometimes Here, Oftentimes There
Re: Ringside Rewind
Ringside Rewind, Special Edition
Diamond Quest C: 25 Years In The Making
December 5th, 2019
If you're a pleb I already know you're wondering what Diamond Quest C is since you don't remember A or B. The fact is that C is the Roman numeral for 100. What that means is that next month the Outback will be celebrating its 100th Diamond Quest. It's a monumental accomplishment considering all the times Matt has let the Outback burn down. I'm surprised it's not a parking lot for the Arena at this point.
Forty-eight individual fighters have succeeded in conquering the Diamond Quest in the last 2+ decades. And every single one of them is on display in the Outback, represented by a portrait. Twenty-three of those portraits are emblazoned with a symbol indicating they've won multiple DQs. On an equally interesting note fifteen women can claim victory in a DQ, which refuses to change no matter how many different ways I tried counting. It's an understatement to say that this upcoming DQ is a big deal, regardless of if you're a fresh faced Emerald with no Quests under your belt or a battered veteran that remembers what a Bode Bojangles is. Whether you're alive, undead, stuck in the astral plane, trapped in a loveless marriage, or suffering from scurvy, if you're an Emerald you should make plans to enter DQ 100. It's guaranteed to be historic and let's be honest, for most of you it's the closest you'll ever get to making history.
Now that we've established the significance of this quadranscentennial tournament you undoubtedly have questions which I'll be happy to address.
Q. Will there be a parade to celebrate this momentous event?
A. I dunno, ask Matt.
Q. What plans are there to generate a great turnout for this historic DQ?
A. I dunno, ask Matt.
Q. Will there be any sort of festivities in the Outback or RhyDin leading up to this once in a lifetime tournament?
A. I dunno, ask Matt.
Q. Are you going to actually enter this Diamond Quest or just tell other people to do it instead?
A. I dunno, ask Ma--. Oh, wait. Actually, yes. Even though I already have 5 Diamonds it's still clearly a worthwhile endeavor to show up for the 100th DQ. Plus, who wants to wait another 25 years for Diamond Quest 200? All the talent will probably have evaporated by then and they'll be awarding Diamonds to inanimate objects or ghosts.
TL;DR Version: Enter Diamond Quest 100, chump. Or forever live with the regret and shame.
Diamond Quest C: 25 Years In The Making
December 5th, 2019
If you're a pleb I already know you're wondering what Diamond Quest C is since you don't remember A or B. The fact is that C is the Roman numeral for 100. What that means is that next month the Outback will be celebrating its 100th Diamond Quest. It's a monumental accomplishment considering all the times Matt has let the Outback burn down. I'm surprised it's not a parking lot for the Arena at this point.
Forty-eight individual fighters have succeeded in conquering the Diamond Quest in the last 2+ decades. And every single one of them is on display in the Outback, represented by a portrait. Twenty-three of those portraits are emblazoned with a symbol indicating they've won multiple DQs. On an equally interesting note fifteen women can claim victory in a DQ, which refuses to change no matter how many different ways I tried counting. It's an understatement to say that this upcoming DQ is a big deal, regardless of if you're a fresh faced Emerald with no Quests under your belt or a battered veteran that remembers what a Bode Bojangles is. Whether you're alive, undead, stuck in the astral plane, trapped in a loveless marriage, or suffering from scurvy, if you're an Emerald you should make plans to enter DQ 100. It's guaranteed to be historic and let's be honest, for most of you it's the closest you'll ever get to making history.
Now that we've established the significance of this quadranscentennial tournament you undoubtedly have questions which I'll be happy to address.
Q. Will there be a parade to celebrate this momentous event?
A. I dunno, ask Matt.
Q. What plans are there to generate a great turnout for this historic DQ?
A. I dunno, ask Matt.
Q. Will there be any sort of festivities in the Outback or RhyDin leading up to this once in a lifetime tournament?
A. I dunno, ask Matt.
Q. Are you going to actually enter this Diamond Quest or just tell other people to do it instead?
A. I dunno, ask Ma--. Oh, wait. Actually, yes. Even though I already have 5 Diamonds it's still clearly a worthwhile endeavor to show up for the 100th DQ. Plus, who wants to wait another 25 years for Diamond Quest 200? All the talent will probably have evaporated by then and they'll be awarding Diamonds to inanimate objects or ghosts.
TL;DR Version: Enter Diamond Quest 100, chump. Or forever live with the regret and shame.
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