We Fix Your Shorts

[Tara]

When Tim Edwards woke up earlier that day he knew that it was going to be problematic. He just knew it in his bones.

It wasn't anything in particular which struck him at a quarter to seven when his alarm clock rang. The room was pitch dark just as he liked it to be. The air-conditioning system (recently serviced) was humming along nicely and the temperature, which had taken weeks it seemed to perfect, was just as he liked it. A very comfortable seventy degrees. He even heard, as he swung his legs out from under the covers, the birds singing outside his bedroom window despite it being closed.

But somewhere in the back of his mind as he stepped into the shower was this niggling little thought that the day would turn out to be a bad one. He had had bad days before. Everyone did. And Tim had learned through many years of personal diplomacy and a Mid-Western politeness (taught to him patiently by his beloved mother) that the best way to handle bad days was to be twice as kind as he normally would be to everyone he encountered after the bad event. It made coping with it all the more easier, he felt. Being nasty just compounded everything.

Which is why, an hour and a half later, now extremely late to work, when the firemen pulled him out, half-conscious, from his CO2 filled garage he thanked the men for saving him and then gave them all ice cold water from his fridge.

And which is also why, after he rejected the fireman's advise to go to the hospital, and he found himself racing backwards down his driveway so that he could get to work, finally, he didn't yell at the naked redheaded girl in the back seat of his car, he just simply stared at her, stopped in the middle of his street as he was, through the rearview mirror.

She spoke first. He didn't know her but he got the immediate sense that she was accustomed to not only speaking first but also getting the very last word.

"If you had an opportunity to not only choose the date of your death but also the manner of it, would you elect to go the way you chose, Tim Edwards, or would you rather live as you do now, in ignorance?" the girl asked with an oddly charming smile.

Tim turned around in his seat and stared at her a moment more before he responded. She was, without a doubt, incredibly beautiful with purple eyes and the reddest hair he had ever seen. But she looked to be in her teens and she was very slight. Her skin was also too pale to be real.

But, by all appearances, younger than was acceptable for a naked female to be, in his opinion, regardless of her weird complexion.

"Who are you, why are you in my car and more importantly, why are you naked?" he asked.

"You are thinking I am a child but I can assure you I am not, I jus' look that way sometimes to some of you, I've never quite known why but I know that a lot of you seem to think I'm a child sometimes and others of you think I'm something far older. I guess you could call it a bizarre optical illusion, I don't really care which. You are also thinking that having a naked teenager in your car would present some difficulties if the other opinionated meat puppets were to inquire as to the predicament you now find yourself in, is that right, Tim?" she said, still smiling.

"How do you know my name, wait, no, hold on!" Tim said excitedly and pulled the car to the curb so that others could now pass him. Blocking the road was rude. So was getting into a stranger's car, uninvited, and naked.

"I am not holding on to anything as I have learned that would not result in saving me were this vehicle to be involved in a crash and it almost was thrice as you carelessly parked it in the middle of the road," she said, quietly, calmly and again with that same (now unnerving) smile. "Anpu paid for driving lessons for me. I know how to drive. I am EDUCATED in this regard."

Tim didn't say anything but instead got out of the car and walked back up his driveway into his house. When he opened the front door and looked back to the car, he saw the girl's face pressed up against the window along with her hands and her mouth and purple eyes wide open as if she were trapped in it and screaming for help. For a fraction of a second he could swear that he saw flames surrounding her, like his car was actually on fire, which wouldn't surprise him given the day he was having thus far, but when he blinked and looked again, the flames were gone. She was still in that ridiculous posture though. He shook his head and disappeared through the door.

A few minutes later when he returned he had a blanket, his cellphone (which he had forgotten, because of course he did on this bad day of all bad days) and a fruit rollup. A sweet throwback from the 80s, a time during which Tim himself was a child, he still loved these things all these years later and was delighted to learn the bodega on the corner was selling them. Which is why he bought their entire stock so he'd have enough to get his fill and slowly enjoy them over the next few months.

But if this were the very last fruit rollup there ever was he would absolutely give it to this girl if it meant she would go away.

Because he wanted her to go away. He needed her to but he also thought that wasn't going to happen so easily. He felt that in his bones, too.

He got back into the car, tossed the blanket into the back seat, which immediately fell over the naked girl and held out the fruit rollup as he dialed his mother on his cell with his other hand. "Put that on and eat this," he said as the phone dialed.

"It is on me because you threw it on me and it is very dark under here, I cannot see a damn thing, I am blinded, " she said from underneath the blanket and made no motion to take it off. A moment later her tiny white hand suddenly darted out from under the blanket and yanked the fruit rollup out of his hand.

"You saw that didn't you?" Tim said with a smirk.

"This smells sweet. I have an impeccable sense of smell along with other heightened senses. I love sugar. It makes the meat puppets do crazy things!" she squealed excitedly and Tim could hear what sounded like nom-nom noises and then chewing.

Except none of it sounded human.

It sounded like several inhuman things were eating it and not just one very naked girl in the back seat of his car.

"Meat puppets? Wha....Mom? Oh hi Mom!," Tim said, almost relieved to hear her voice.

"Hi Momma!," the girl chirped from the backseat.

"Yes, it is Timothy. No, no, nothing's wrong, I just have something I'd like to run by you and perhaps you could guide me?" he said with a wince and glanced at the rearview mirror which revealed one purple eye staring back at him from under the blanket. She had it wrapped around her head now with just one eye visible.

He thought the girl was playing Peek-a-Boo with him. At least he hoped she was because she was starting to freak him out.

When he looked again the eye looked serpentine and he blinked in surprise. Another glance a second later and her eye seemed to be glowing. By the third glance it was just purple again, seemingly normal. He shook off the chill he got.

Tim then explained the crazy morning he had had to his mother and finished with, "...and now she's eating a fruit rollup in my back seat."

"Nay, we are not, we saved some for the puppets," the girl said and then giggled but the sound was all around him and Tim glanced around his car which did not have the kind of acoustics he was hearing now.

"I don't know what I am going to do, mother, she just appeared! She hasn't told me her name, I don't know who she belongs to, what she wants, needs or why she broke into my car..."

"You are going to drive. I did. It is Tara Rynieyn. Anubis Karos, if you must know, we are to be married, we are promised, this is my ring, one thousand slaves mined this rock so that it could grace my lovely finger as my beloved Anpu said when he placed it upon my flesh. An' you should also know that it took him four thousand years to ask me to marry him he was THAT nervous to do so, " said the girl and a flash of her tiny white hand with a giant jewel on it passed before his eyes before disappearing once more, "an' I did not break in as the car was unlocked. I'm hungry. Can we go now? Bye Momma!"

"Yes, you heard that correctly, she is saying goodbye to you. Okay, yes, that's a great idea. I will go do that now. Yes, call you later. Love you, thanks Mom, bye!" Tim said as upbeat as he could and hung up. He then turned around and sighed seeing that she was still underneath the blanket.

As if sensing his frustration, she pulled the top part of the blanket down exposing her full visage and smiled brightly at him. "Hi!"

He jumped, not expecting her outburst and then smirked. "Hi, Tara, is it?"

She nodded.

"What are you doing in my car? I'm really late to work. I was almost asphyxiated this morning," he whined, gesturing toward his house.

Tara glanced to it and nodded. "Yes, I could hear you choking from in here." She then clutched her own throat and mimicked the choking noises he had made earlier.

"If you could hear me, why didn't you try to help......wait, HOW did you hear me from in here? That's impossible," Tim said with a frown.

Tara blinked in confusion. "Nay, tis not impossible. I can hear for miles an' I did not offer assistance because you are not slated to expire today so it would have been wasted energy on my part," she said and from underneath the blanket she pulled out something which looked like a mutated hybrid of a piglet and a hairless rabbit but when it opened its mouth it began to bleat like a sheep and that is when Tim screamed.

"Aaaaaaaaaaagh! Jesus Christ what is that thing?!"

Tara joined him in screaming. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!"

"Why are you screaming?!" he yelled at her and fumbled with the door handle to try and now vacate the vehicle once more.

"I do not know but I like to scream why are you screaming?!" she yelled back and then the door popped off its hinges and went flying like a sudden tornado had flown past and ripped it off the car. Tim screamed again.

"Aaaaaaagh!" and then he fell out of the car onto the sidewalk.

Tara poked her head out of her window. "I am sorry! I sometimes think things and they come true! I did not mean to scare you! Do you think you can stop trembling in utter terror an' take me where I want to go now?!"

"Not with that......that THING....in the car! What do you mean you think things and they come TRUE?!" Tim screamed again.

"It's not a thing! It's my baby you unfeeling bastard an' I have thoughts I cannot control! It's not my fault! Anpu says I should be more careful because I hurt so many meatpuppets an' he doesn't want to keep getting sued but I try an' I try an' I try an' then they die or something goes boom," she shot back, angrily, and both she and the pig-rabbit growled at Tim.

It was then that Tim threw his hands up and screamed to the sky, "WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?!"

And that was when Tara jumped into the front seat and took hold of the steering wheel. "Hurry up you crazy bastard, I'll drive us since you are incapacitated! You won't tell Anpu that I drove, right?! He'll find out, naturally, he ALWAYS knows when I'm up to no good but I will jus' tell him that it was an E M E R...an' E M E ....awww hell what is that word, 'gain?"

Tim blinked in bewilderment. "Are you trying to say emergency?! Like what I'm experiencing this morning?! Is that what you're trying to say?!" She had moved from the back seat to the front with incredible speed, almost like she had advanced time somehow and something about the whole thing and her, in general, genuinely disturbed him. No, it creeped him the hell out.

He started to speak again but then thought better of it. She wasn't answering him but was fiddling with all the buttons and lights in his car, snickering fiendishly as her little hands darted about the dashboard. Then he started to get up from the ground.

But when the pig-rabbit in her lap smiled at him Tim's coping mechanisms failed and he passed out there on the sidewalk.

Some time later that day he woke up in the same hospital the firemen wanted to take him to and right beside his bed was Tara and her pigrabbit. So it hadn't been a bad dream.

They were both sleeping, thankfully. Still curled up in his blanket which he decided right then and there he would never put back on his couch. After he got rid of Tara and the thing she was carrying around like a baby, he was going to burn the blanket.

Twice, if he had to.

Engrossed with the horror in the corner he never heard the doctor come up beside his bed on the other side and so when he turned and saw him, it was only natural that once again, he would scream.

This then woke Tara and her 'pet' up.

And before Tim could say anything, the doctor shook his finger at Tara and scolded her, "What did I tell you about bringing your experiments in here, young lady?"

She frowned and her head dipped down.

Tim blinked and then shook his head a few times, "Wait, you KNOW her?! What the hell is going on?! Why am I in this bed?! My boss is going to KILL ME!"

Tara piped up with a lifted finger, "No, actually, he is not going to be the one to kill you. I can tell you who will if you like but you will not be happy with the news as you have elected to be ignorant as we already discussed."

The doctor made a noise of disapproval causing Tara to shrink again in the chair and the pigrabbit to retreat under the blanket. Tim just had his mouth open.

"My name is Doctor Edwards, Mr. Edwards, oddly enough," he said with a look Tim would later describe as the one expression every single person who had encountered Tara always expressed. It was almost universal. "I do know her, very well in fact, and prior to you waking she told me that you believe she is a teenage girl and that you were concerned how it would look that she, a naked girl, was in your car."

"I'm VERY concerned, not only about that but about a lot of things today!" Tim shrieked.

Doctor Edwards placed his hand gently on Tim's shoulder. "Hopefully we can clear up some things for you," he said.

"I can unconfuse him, Doc! Maybe if he holds Shrimp he won't be so scared of him so much, right? I am sorry about his car door. I didn't mean for it to blow 'way like that. My thoughts an' feelings became true 'gain! Curse my telepathic destructive tendencies!" Tara said with another frown and shook her tiny fist toward the ceiling.

"I am NOT holding Shrimp if 'Shrimp' is that abomination she is carrying!" Tim shrieked and pointed at the pigrabbit who was now suckling on Tara's hair.

Tara and Shrimp growled at Tim.

Doctor Edwards shook his head. "She does not like that term but prefers Demonling," he said, waving his hand as if this were an accepted word in their shared vernacular.

Tim's face screwed up in revulsion.

Tara bounced in the chair, obviously approving.

Doctor Edwards smiled at her and then looked back to Tim. "Where do I even begin to explain this to you?" he said and looked on Tim with pity.

"I don't even care," Tim said and shrunk down under the covers more so that his face was now hidden from view. He sighed, heavily, causing the blanket to blow up and then down. He heard Tara mimic his sigh.

"Tara is a special kind of girl, Mr. Edwards, one that requires a lot of patience, an open mind and a lot of insurance policies," he began and then explained as best he could what Tara actually was versus how she appeared.

After a few minutes Tim pulled the covers down and shook his head. "I don't care that she THINKS she's a demon, what the hell is she doing in the back seat of my car?! Why do I not have a car door anymore?! What the hell is that thing, Shrimp, whatever the hell she named it and why am I here in this hospital when I should be at work?!"

Now Doctor Edwards sighed. "Because, Tim, you knocked your head pretty good on that sidewalk and now have a concussion. As for Tara, for whatever reason known only to her, she chose you to visit with today and while it may seem like a lot of aggravation and trust me, I know she can be a royal pain in the ass at times, in my experience knowing her, as bad as she can be and the circumstances she causes, it's probably for the best she showed up when she did."

"Why? All she's done so far is create problems where there weren't any to start! Do you know she heard me choking and didn't try to help?!"

"Because, Tim, she probably saved your life. Yes, I imagine that amused her."

"AMUSED HER?! Me choking amused her?!"

Tim turned his head and stared at Tara and her pigrabbit. The doctor's voice was echoing in the background. "For what purpose or from what, I do not know, but she only shows up when really bad things are about to happen. If you're still alive, that's a very good sign."

"Is this true? What he's saying to me? Do you even hear the words coming out of this man's mouth? Are you listening, Tara?" Tim questioned angrily. "He says you're a demon."

"Arch...demon," Tara said defiantly.

"Archdemon?" Tim repeated, incredulously.

She sighed and gestured in the air as if annoyed while simultaneously rolling her eyes, "The Whore of Babylon to be exact but you won't believe me because you're crazycakes an' whatnot."

"FROM THE BIBLE?!" Tim roared.

Tara's mouth opened to answer him but then promptly slammed shut. Something it wasn't used to ever doing.

Then all hell literally broke loose with the monitors which were keeping track of Tim's vital signs all going haywire, Doctor Edwards screaming for help and Tim himself practically levitating off the bed as his body jerked violently up and down.

Nurses and doctors rushed in.

They slammed needles full of medication into Tim.

Fifteen minutes later the monitors were at a steady beep again. Tim was still alive. Just. And Doctor Edwards glared at Tara.

She put her hands up in defense and grinned a little, "That weren't me, Doc. That was them others I was telling you's about. Reason why I'm here this time, honest. Tim's about to wish he had died in that garage an' I'm about to wish I had let him."

[Tara]

Tim could smell himself before he was fully conscious and became aware of the fact that he was literally baking in his car, in the noonday summer sun, with a clothed (barely) Tara perched up on his hood peering through what he supposed from his vantage point was a spyglass.

It was hot outside and he really felt like he was melting. Tara was outside. The heat didn't look like it was affecting her. He tried to remember a basic timeline of events since meeting Tara. He had been in his car, had experienced the unfortunate passing out episode in the garage, his car door was ripped off inexplicably, he had passed out again when she had been holding some strange creature he never saw before, he woke up in a hospital bed but was now back in his car. Which was outside and not in the hospital he was supposed to be in. Didn't the doctor say he was concussed? The driver door was still missing too. This really hadn't been a dream.

He sat up and looked around. His vision was a little blurry but from what he could discern, the car was in an overgrown field and a noisy black crow was sitting on a branch on a dead tree near them. Cawing. A lot.

That's when the headache started and Tim began to rub his temples. Short bursts of pain flared throughout his skull in random places and he found that once he had rubbed away one pain, another cropped up somewhere else in his head.

"Tara? Can you hear me? My head is splitting, Tara. What happened to Doctor Edwards? Why are we here? Jesus Christ, it's hot. TAAAAAAAAAAAARA!"

Then she was sitting next to him, smiling. "You are awake! I am so glad, I thought you had malfunctioned 'gain!" She said all chipper and handed him the spyglass.

"How did you get from the hood to..you know what, never mind, what is this?" he asked, trying to place the object which looked like it had come from a pirate ship of old in the current day and time. Where had she gotten such a thing and why was she handing it to him? Before he could inquire, she was shoving him out of the car.

"Lookie what I found! Their secret laiiiiiiiiir," she said all mysterious like he was supposed to understand what she was going on about. "Go ahead, puddinghead, look!"

It was true. His brain did feel like it was made of pudding. That is if he still had a brain left. He didn't trust Tara at all even though the Doctor had said she showed up BEFORE bad things transpired. Tim felt she was the cause OF the bad things.

"Lair? What are you even talking about? Where are we? Where is my cellphone? What did you DO?" he asked, casting an accusing glance her way before he put the spyglass to his eye and looked through it.

In the distance, maybe a mile or two in the middle of another field across a very long stretch of what appeared to be abandoned roadway, was what looked like a factory. It, like the spyglass, also looked out of place. It looked like it had not only been built in the 1800s but that it wasn't that old a structure. Like Time had forgotten to touch it. Steam rose from its chimneys and he swore he could hear a bell ringing. Not a small bell but a large one, like the kind they had in churches.

He leaned down to look to Tara in the car but she was gone. Blinking he righted himself, rubbed his temples a second more and then saw that she was sitting on top of his car, in a yoga pose. "Hey! Get off there and let's talk this through, okay? Can you hear me, demon, you did say you were a demon, right? I have to be imagining all this. The carbon monoxide from the car knocked me unconscious, I woke up, must've hit my head and now I'm in a coma and this is my new reality in my thoughts or something else is to blame for this. You cannot be real."

"Arch demon, for the last time, and I am realer than anything you've ever experienced, okay? You want to talk this through, okay, I will do this, but it will do nothing to change the situation or even ease your mind, when all's said an' done," she said and hopped off the car to stand next to him.

"What is that supposed to mean? Realer......hey!" Tim shrieked as the crow flew from the dead tree branch to the roof of his car. It then began pecking at his paint, chipping it. "Get off my car! Shoo!"

"You should not do that," she said with a tinge of warning in her voice and Tim glanced at her.

"Why not?"

"Trust me," she said and gently put her finger out under the crow's belly and it stepped lightly onto her finger.

"I do not believe for a second anyone ever has,' Tim smirked and looked around, trying to find something other than the factory to determine their whereabouts. All around them was dead grass. For what seemed like miles.

The factory seemed to be the only landmark. And the tree. And his car.

And...Tara.

With a crow on her finger now.

Where had that creature she had been holding gone, he wondered.

Tara had already started to walk away from him in the direction of the factory and was petting the crow, when he questioned her again.

"I thought we were going to talk this through? Why are you walking away from me?" he asked, stepping in toe behind her.

"I really do not see the point, Tim, like I said, it's not going to change a thing," she said, shaking her head.

Before he could continue the strange conversation, his phone began to buzz in his pocket. He wasn't even aware it had been in there this whole time.

"Hello?" he said after hurriedly swiping the screen.

"Uh oh," Tara said and started to reach for the phone but he swatted her hand away. The crow cawed loudly three times.

"Hey Rob! Listen now's not a really.....what's that?" Tim's expression changed from exasperation to worry.

Tara bit her lip.

"What do you mean there are men in white hazmat suits in my house?" Tim asked and glared at Tara. Somehow she had to be the cause of it.

"Bye Rob!" Tara yelled and suddenly grabbed the phone out of Tim's hand.

"Hey!" Tim yelled and tried to get it back before Tara threw the phone as hard as she could in the opposite direction. Tim watched it sail across the sky for a whole minute, farther than a human was capable of throwing and then stared at Tara in disbelief after the phone had disappeared from view.

Not that it fell off into the horizon or into the field beyond his field of vision, no, it had literally disappeared in thin air!

Maybe she was a demon.

"We have no time for talking, now is time for walking," Tara said with a frown. "I wish we could jus' GO, this is annoying, this ambulating you puppets do," she said, clearly annoyed.

"Hey, you didn't have to throw my phone! What if we need it? And what do you mean GO? We ARE going aren't we?!"

"NO, we are moving at a snail's pace. I'd GO with you right now if I was sure you wouldn't have another episode. You really are fragile, arencha?" she said, rolling her eyes. "I do not understand why. This does not compute."

"What does not compute? Do you ever make any sense at all? Are all demons like you?" he asked, tapping her on the shoulder opposite the one the crow was now perched on.

"I do not care to answer that, we're going to have to pick up the pace if we're to make it to the farm stand on time, Tim. Do you mind walking faster?" Tara said and began doing so herself.

"What farm stand? I thought we were going to the lair?"

"We are but first we need supplies," Tara replied and then when he looked down he saw that their feet were now on gravel. He did not remember crossing from the field onto the roadway and had thought there was a considerable distance between where they had been a moment ago and the road to where they now were.

"Did we just GO?" he asked, using her term for whatever she was referring to a moment earlier.

"Yes. You are too slow. I am on a time table. I cannot be expected to live with the conditions I am faced with. I need to be able to change things more to my suiting on the fly if we're to be successful in this mission," she said, snorting at him.

"Can you stop a moment, please, and answer some questions? I'll walk faster if you do," Tim said, smiling at the back of her head.

She turned around and stared up at him. "Five minutes, then we go 'gain. What?"

"Are you really a demon?"

"Yes, an elder one, an Arch Demon, the one known as The Whore of Babylon," she said like it was no big thing.

"I remember in the hospital you saying so. Okay, didn't know you existed to be quite honest."

"I do. I am standing right in front of you. An' since I'm only really known for what I am going to do during the end of days, long in the future, I can't really prove this to you. It's not like I'm Jesus and I could, say, walk on water here, so don't ask me to prove it, you'll jus' piss me off an' it won't be pleasant for you if that happens."

"Okay, I won't. Let's say I believe you, you're The Whore of Babylon as you say, why are you HERE in this time?" Tim asked, pointing to the ground.

"Why wouldn't I be in this time? I've got nothing else to do but wait for mankind to go off the rails and screw everything up, might as well enjoy it."

"Okay but what are you finding enjoyable about screwing up my life right at this moment? What I mean to say is, don't get me wrong, Tara, Whore of Babylon, do you go by Whore or.....?"

She rolled her eyes. "My real name isn't Tara, okay? But the girl whose body I stole," she said, gesturing at herself, "WAS named Tara. Tara Rynieyn to be exact. I pretend I'm her. I've pretended I'm lots of people during the time I've existed. Some used to call me Delilah, others called me Ishtar, some others called me Salome. In order to be here I have to borrow someone who is real. I don't exist in the flesh and blood sense. I only am supposed to be real when the end comes, otherwise I exist, you know, in theory. But those people do and did exist. So I visit for a while. An' no one calls me Whore, especially Grenny, the whole word makes him break out in hives."

"Who is Grenny?"

"My friend."

"You have friends?" Tim was astounded and stared at her.

"Tara did. But Gren's mine. He's the only friend I made post-transition to Tara's body. Tara never actually met Gren and Gren never met her. But he doesn't know that. No one does. Only I do. Which is why he's special to me. He is my only true friend. I have others like my bestie Jewelsie but she was Tara's friend in the time before, Gren's MINE in the time now," she said, possessively, and started to growl.

"Okay I get that he's your friend. Please don't eat me. Can you maybe tell me a little bit about why you're in MY LIFE? Why I had to meet you?" Tim winced, hoping she didn't take offense.

She didn't. "Because something bad happened once in Grenny's closet and it jus' now occured to me that it wasn't supposed to happen an' I wanted to know why."

Tim blinked rapidly. "What does Gren's closet have to do with me? I'm sorry but I'm not understanding what you're getting at, Tara."

"You will see. Something bad happened, I forgot 'bout it because I was busy an' the other day I remembered so that's why I'm here. Truth be told I wasn't really planning on visiting with you but I heard you hacking up a lung in that there garage, sensed you black out, saw you had a car an' figured you could drive me. When you woke back up. It was a fluke, Tim."

"But you said earlier you could GO, didn't you? Why don't I believe you that you just happened to drop into my life by accident and that you need me to drive you anywhere if you have the ability to I guess what you're saying by GO is teleport? The doctor said you show up before bad things happen, now you're telling me you're showing up AFTER something happened in your friend's closet and I'm not understanding how I fit into this puzzle."

"You will see, I said. Let's jus' go get the supplies. I gave you five minutes," she said and walked off, smirking.

"What about my cellphone? Can you give me that back too?"

"No."

"Why were there men searching my house in protective gear, Tara? Do you know what that means?"

"I know what a lot of things mean," she said, sneering at him even if he couldn't see her expression behind her.

"Such as?"

"Such as the love of my life is still in love with his first wife but he doesn't have the heart to tell me, in fact he doesn't have a heart at all," she said, sadly.

"Who is the love of your life?" Tim figured the more he kept her talking she might reveal more clues as to what was actually going on.

"Anubis Karos but I call him Anpu," she replied.

"Why do you think he's still in love with her?" Tim could only begin to imagine what loving this creature who was leading him down the empty road would be like. He didn't know this Anubis character but he felt sorry for him.

"Because she had his babies an' I can't."

"I'm sure if you...." he paused, trying to think of a tactful way to say what he wanted to, "put your minds to it, you could probably have a baby," Tim winced again. He then thought of that pigrabbit she was carrying around earlier and wondered if that was something she had birthed. "Didn't you say before Shrimp was your baby?"

How much more insane would this get before it was all said and done as Tara had said?

"Shrimp is my baby but he's not OUR baby, WE can't have one," she said, rounding on him and now her beautiful purple eyes were literally on fire.

Tim gasped in horror and jumped back, throwing his hands up in defense. "Whoa! What's happening with your eyesockets?! Why can't you have a baby together? Oh God, I don't want to die!"

In that instant, she changed back to normal and frowned. "What makes you think yer gonna die? He's not even here," she said, looking confused and began to look around them, in the fields and up and down the road. She then looked to her arms, frowning again. "I get horripilation right 'fore he arrives. This is not happening. You are telling stories, Tim."

"Wait, what, what are you, WHO are you referring to now?!" he was backing away and not taking any chances that she wouldn't attack him.

With an exasperated sigh right before Tim passed out again, she rolled her eyes and said, "Anpu, silly."

"Why would he kill me?!" Tim was still backing away.

Tara gave him a strange look. "Because he is Death an' I can assure you, while I am mostly theoretical, he exists, in this flesh, that flesh, lots of flesh, even yers to some degree I suppose. If I show up, your soul gets corrupted or you owe me more than you could ever pay. If he shows up, he feeds it to his gator an' that's after he cuts out yer heart an' weights it 'gainst the feather."

Tim fell into the depression next to the roadway right next to his thrown cellphone.

Tara bent down to pick it up.

She pressed the last number to dial the phone.

Rob.

It rang once.

A deep baritone voice spoke first, "Hello?"

An eldritch voice responded, "Hello there, Robbie. Remember when you were little an' you told yer Daddy that there was a scary lady hanging upside down in your closet? Well, I'm back an' the next time you fall asleep instead of slowly opening your closet door an' whispering awful little things you never wanted to hear, I'm going to climb into bed with you an' devour you feet first an' the entire time yer gonna be ALIVE an' watch yerself be CONSUMED. Then when you eventually do die, I'm going to take you down to MY room an' that's when the real fun's going to begin. Don't close yer eyes tonight....Robbie. Stay 'wake for as long as you possibly can because I'm comin, oh you bet yer sweet ass I'm comin for ya an' I'm going to do every godawful thing you could possibly imagine an' more to you 'fore I get my fill. An' that's assumin I ever do. See you soon."

Tara glanced down to an unconscious Tim as Rob began to scream and put the phone on speaker.

But Tim was sleeping like a baby.

Unlike Rob who would come to dread the nights to follow, popping No Doze and downing Red Bulls like it were a new diet regimen.