Bending But Never Breaking

[JewellRavenlock]

The Tree and the Reed
"Well, little one," said a Tree to a Reed that was growing at its foot, "why do you not plant your feet deeply in the ground, and raise your head boldly in the air as I do?"

"I am contented with my lot," said the Reed. "I may not be so grand, but I think I am safer."

"Safe!" sneered the Tree. "Who shall pluck me up by the roots or bow my head to the ground?"

But it soon had to repent of its boasting, for a hurricane arose which tore it up from its roots, and cast it a useless log on the ground.

On the other hand, the little Reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over.

[JewellRavenlock]

“It… won’t… sto-op,” she sobbed. “I can't… I can't…”

The tears she couldn’t contain as she walked out of The Line had lead to sobbing as Sapphire helped her into the rickshaw which was leading to hyperventilating as well as pain in her chest and a racing heart that was likely to explode.

It wasn't just all the things Kal had said (or refused to say). It was everything. Arish crushed in a pillar of water. Mallory looking at her with fear in her eyes. The Namekeeper calling her name. Kal asking her, “How do you want it done?” Sapphire lying on the street, her hair cut off and spread around her. Lirssa lost in space. Theo dead in Little Elfhame. The feeling of someone else inside her head, her arms, her legs, her entire body. Ishmerai bleeding to death in her arms. A bomb going off. Kal kissing her forehead as he stabbed her in the heart. Malcolm falling to the ground with an icicle through his chest. A priest touching her hair, talking about keeping her. Someone laughing in the dark, “Hey, when do I get a turn?”

It was all too much.

It was too much for anyone.

“Is your arm tingling? Is it numb? Can you feel it?” Jewell, doubled over, her fingers gripping her shirt over her heart tightly, shook her head no. “Damn it!” Sapphire leaned forward and shouted at the rickshaw driver on his bike, “Hey! Turn around! Turn around! Take us to Dragon’s Gate General. Now!”

Then she tore through her backup, searching frantically for the right bottle. She found it, twisting off the cap. The vehicle hit a bump, causing her to spill half the liquid on her lap. She grit her teeth. The state of her jeans was unimportant right now. “Here, tilt your chin. There you go. Just a little bit and it’ll start working, okay?”

Jewell drank the liquid prepared for her by the apothecary just the day before. Then she curled forward again and to the side, resting her head on Sapphire’s knee. Her heart was racing. Her chest hurt. Her arms and legs felt heavy and numb. Her stomach twisted inside. Sweat soaked the hair across her forehead and along the nape of her neck. As the rickshaw made a sharp turn and the cool February wind hit her in the face, she shivered.

And she could not check the tears streaming down her face. She could not breathe. She could not do this anymore.

The teen juggled to get the medicine bottle closed again before tossing it in her bag and brushing her hand over Jewell’s damp hair. She was a novice at best, but she tried to soothe the faerie even a little with the touch of her glamour. “It’s okay, we’ll be there in a minute, okay? You’ll be fine.”

[Sapphire Ravenlock]

“So, we’ll want to keep her for observations overnight.” The teen looked up as the doctor came out of the hospital room, her backpack clutched to her chest. The calm and control she had exuded on the ride over had deteriorated. She was close to tears. “She can go home again in the morning though if everything checks out.”

“Is she...” she wiped furiously at her eyes, “will she be okay? Is there going to be more permanent damage? She couldn’t breathe. She was hyperventilating and she said she couldn’t feel her arm and her chest hurt and I just...”

“Sapphire, she is not going to die. Okay?” She nodded, sniffling wetly. “You did the right thing in bringing her back here so quickly. We just want to make sure her body is getting the oxygen it needs and her heart rate evens out before we send her home again.”

“So she’ll be okay?”

“As okay as she can be, yes. But this is likely going to set her recovery back a few days. These are the kinds of shocks to her system we warned her about avoiding.”

“I know.” She tightened her hold on her backpack, frustrated. “I asked her not to go. But she insisted and I just… She didn’t listen.”

He nodded. “I’ll recommend again that she visit her psychologist. Try to encourage her to set up that appointment, okay?” Sapphire bit at the inside of her cheek and nodded. “Also, whatever she drank likely interfered with the medication she’s been taking. She really needs to avoid that.”

She shook her head. “I told her. I told her not to drink. She knows she’s not supposed to. I don’t know what she was thinking.”

“She’s been through a lot of trauma. I’m not sure she was thinking.”

“Yeah…”

“Fortunately,” he flipped through Jewell’s chart, locating her blood work, “it doesn’t look like she imbibed a lot and coupled with how her body synthesizes mortal spirits, the damage was limited, but she really does need to stay away from drinking anything alcoholic for the time being.”

“Okay.”

“As for permanent damage,” the doctor flipped back to the top paper in his hands.

“If he hurt her more…” the teen interrupted, trailing off darkly, blue eyes narrowed and teeth grinding together.

Dr. Carson smiled, “Let’s not go stabbing Cupid, all right? I don’t need you creating more work for me.” That got the smile he was looking for. “We’re still not entirely sure how much permanent damage there was going to be to begin with. I looked but I have not found any cases where a faerie recovered from iron to the heart. Ever. Not in RhyDin at least. We’re just not sure about the lingering effects of the iron touching the muscle and surrounding tissue. Only time will tell. She may still want to consider a trip to Faerie eventually, but we can wait and see about that. Otherwise? We will hope for the best.”

She let her bag slip to the ground so she could grasp his hand, “Thank you! Thank you, Dr. Carson. You’re the best.

“You’re very welcome. You should be able to go in and see her now. She’s sedated though.”

“Right, okay.” She grabbed the top of her bag to haul it off the floor.

“And Sapphire?” Dr. Carson had taken a few steps down the hall before he turned back, approaching the blue haired teen again. “Remember, avoid anything that will tax or put a strain on her heart. It’s very weak.”

[Sapphire Ravenlock]

She stood in the doorway of the hospital room, staring at the slight figure, hooked up to half a dozen machines, laying in the bed. The steady beep beep beeping of the machines, the dimmed lighting, and the stinging scent of disinfectant were all too familiar. They had just left the hospital yesterday, and now she was back here. Again.

For a moment, just a moment, she let herself hate Kalamere.

But it was just a moment because Sapphire knew this was bigger than him. This wasn’t really his fault. Not completely. Whatever Kal had said to her today was just the tipping point.

Only Jewell really knew the full measure of what she was struggling with and against, but Sapphire was starting to piece it together. She had wriggled details out of everyone that had come to visit (and mentally taken note of who did not come). She watched the faerie carefully. She listened to what she said and how she said it. She watched the way she fidgeted when certain topics came up or the way she skirted around other subjects deftly. She factored in everything Ishmerai had told her last summer about Jewell’s first encounter with the Temple of the Divine Mother.

She had also seen Jewell’s medical records and charts. All of them.

They made her cry.

Jewell opened her eyes and smiled drowsily at her, “Hey Lil Blue.”

“Hey.”

“Come here.” She held out her hand to Sapphire.

The girl hesitated before crossing the room, crouching at her bedside, and taking her thin, shaky hand in both of her own. “I was worried about you.”

Her eyes fluttered closed and she exhaled slowly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I just wanted--”

“Shhh.” Sapphire didn’t want to her what she had wanted from Kal. She didn’t want her to talk about it and start crying again. She didn’t want to know what he had said to her so she wouldn’t want to go make him take it back. “Don’t be sorry, mama. Just be okay.”

[JewellRavenlock]

Sapphire treated her like a porcelain doll all day on Wednesday when they got home from the hospital for the second time in one week. That was fine. Jewell felt like she was made of porcelain. She had to sit down on the teak bench while Sapphire flitted around the bathroom to draw her a bath; she was out of breath after pulling her shirt up over her head; and she needed the teen’s help to get into the soaking tub.

“Remember, not too hot, okay?”

“Got it.”

“And you’ll shout if you need something?”

“I will.”

“You’ve got your pillow, I put the relaxing bath salts in, you have a glass of water. I put your book here in case you want to read, and…”

“Sapphire,” she waited until the young woman looked her in the eyes, “I’ll be okay.”

She hesitated and then nodded. “Okay. I’ll just be right down the hall. You know, if you need anything.”

“Okay.”

“And don’t try to get out of the tub by yourself!”

“I won’t.”

When she left, Jewell sunk down into the steaming water until it came up to her chin. Then just a little bit further until it hit against her lower lip. She wondered briefly what it would be like if she just kept sinking. She could sink so far that the water covered her mouth. Then she could open her mouth and breathe in the water. It would fill her lungs and clog her ears. Eventually, her heart would stop. Again.

It would probably hurt, but so did being alive.

The doctor told her to avoid dwelling on anything that caused her stress, but as the hot water soothed away the physical aches still plaguing her, her mind couldn’t help but touch upon a much deeper pain that consumed her thoughts: her visit to The Line yesterday afternoon. She replayed the conversation with Kal over and over again in her head. She re-imagined it a million different ways. She imagined all the things she could have said instead; all the things she wished she had said; all the things she wished he had said.

And over and over, she heard him say the words that broke her heart: “Might be I didn't see it. Might be I just didn't want to. Truth is I can't… I don't return it.”

Why didn’t he love her? If it wasn’t a matter of can’t, if he could love, what was so fundamentally wrong with her that he didn't love her? What was she missing? What was she lacking? What had she done wrong?

She wracked her brain.

Was she not pretty enough? Did she laugh too loud? Cry too much? Get into too much trouble? Was she not demure enough? Was it because she didn't sit there quietly, like a pretty picture? Was she too wild? Too unpredictable? Maybe she was boring? Uninteresting? Unexciting? Was she not smart enough? Dangerous enough? Was she not good in bed?

She thought there was plenty of evidence to the contrary on that last account, but that was the problem with rejection. Rejection made her question everything about herself. Jewell soaked in her bathtub and questioned the size of her thighs and breasts, the way her shoulders sloped, the length of her eyelashes, the shape of her nose, the little overbite of her teeth, her height, her waist, her hips, the way her hair looked when she woke up, her laughter, her smile, the way she spoke, the way she ate, the way she drank a beer, the crinkles at the corners of her eyes when she was happy, and the way she cried when she was sad.

The weight of the rejection, the way it both undermined everything good she knew and felt about herself and confirmed everything bad she knew and felt about herself, sunk her. Jewell slid further down in the tub, letting the water fill her ears, her nose, and cover her head, all while wishing she had the courage to take a deep breath.

[Ishmerai]

The iron in the air burned his lungs. Even in Little Elfhame it was there, carried on the breeze, although fainter than elsewhere in the city. Ishmerai hated it. After so many weeks of the fresh air of Faerie, it left a foul taste in his mouth. It made his head ache. He was willing to endure it, though. He would endure it. He would endure anything for her.

The neighborhood showed some scars from the recent battle with the Temple of the Divine Mother: boarded up windows on several homes, broken streetlamps, gouge marks in the cobblestones from some type of blade or perhaps claws, a flower wreath and candles placed where a life had been snuffed out, and the blown out shell of Beyond the Veil. He stopped and stared at the store. Repairs were being made but not quickly. Jewell seemed in no rush to have her operation up and running again. That was not good.

Things were amiss in Little Elfhame.

The knight had received steady correspondence from the ladies in House of Summer and Sapphire since waking up, but nothing from Jewell herself. Not a single line. Not even after the events that had occurred at Sanctuary. There had been a recap from Haizea: the Temple had Jewell’s name and they had used it; Kalamere had made a bargain with the faerie and had broken the summoning; the half-elf had arranged medical assistance for Jewell; his lady was alive; the Namekeeper was dead; Mallory had been injured; the doctors seemed to think Jewell would recover in time.

And then only intermittent correspondence until Sapphire’s note: Kal broke her heart. Again. Asshole. Come quickly?

So he had. He had wasted no time in getting permission from the court healers, whose care he had been entrusted to by Jewell, to leave at once. He was not one hundred percent better, he was still in pain at times, but his lady needed him.

There was a new key to the penthouse waiting for him downstairs in the Mills at Little Elfhame. He turned it over in his hand as he mounted the steps to the top floor. There were reminders of the battle here too. The front doors were new. There were marks on the walls from when Jewell had blown the previous ones to bits. Gone were the pile of high heels in the vestibule. Oddly, he missed the sight of them. There was no Mr. Fitzy running to greet him with rambunctious barking or little Jax to bite at his boots. He missed them too.

He was pleased to see that some of the wards and security measure were still in place and additional ones had been set up. He was dismayed to see that every mage light was burning brightly even an hour after midnight. He knew his lady’s habits and her coping mechanisms; so many lights did not bode well. He wondered which demons she was trying to ward off this evening.

“Do you want cinnamon glaze or cream cheese?” Sapphire. He could hear her in the kitchen. A baking sheet clattered against the rack in the oven. The door banged closed. A bit of humming. The water in the sink turned on and then off. “Mama? Cinnamon glaze or cream cheese? I want to start making it.”

He held his breath.

“Whichever is easier. I don’t care.”

Jewell. His lady. His little Mira. Hearing her voice again, weak and listless but unmistakable, was an awakening. It was a reassurance. She was alive. He had not failed her too.

His life was not without purpose.

Ishmerai stepped into the living room. He had to see her. Needed to see her. Almost a month had passed in RhyDin since he had last laid eyes upon her, standing in the doorway of Beyond the Veil moments before a bomb exploded. It had been longer in Faerie. She was cocooned on the couch in several blankets, practically disappearing right into them. She was smaller. Thinner. Bruised and burned. Her hair was dark and short. And her eyes, they filled with tears so quickly when she turned from staring out the window at the black night and saw him standing there.

Her breath caught in her throat. “Merai.”

She threw the blankets from her and leapt from the couch, moving too quickly for the fabric to tangle her feet. The knight did not hesitate to cross the room to meet her, so it was only a moment before she was crashing into him. She was there and his arms were around her and she was real and she was crying, crying so so hard.

He crushed her against him, ran his hand along her hair, and spoke the only reassurance he had for her, “I am here now, Mira.”

[JewellRavenlock]

“I felt you die.”

She tightened her arms around him. He was sitting upright in her bed, legs stretched out before him and his back against the headboard. She was curled next to him, arms around his waist, and her face buried against his side.

Dawn wasn’t far off. They had been talking all night.

“I felt the iron stop your heart and then you were gone.”

Kal was right. Several bonds had been broken that night in Sanctuary. She had known it was true when she woke in the hospital. The bond between lady and knight, made long ago in Faerie, was only unto death.

His or hers.

“I thought it was over when the bomb went off. I thought you were going to die in my arms. I thought they had taken you from me.”

“I am still here.”

“But your oath…”

“I will swear it again. You are alive now. That is all that matters.”

“I’m sorry.”

“There is nothing to be sorry about, Mira. You did what you felt needed to be done. And I am glad,” he hesitated, “I am glad he was able to help when I could not.”

“He did. He saved me. I couldn’t stop them but he did.”

He gently stroked her hair. “Did it hurt?”

She closed her eyes. “It did. But it was also a relief.”

[JewellRavenlock]

“Mira…” he said her name, dismayed.

She was sitting on the floor in front of her closet, staring up at all the clothes. There were tears rolling down her cheeks.

Sapphire and Ishmerai had encouraged her to get dressed. It would make her feel better, they said. Maybe she should go out to the duels tonight. Friday nights were always quiet. She needed to see people. Be seen. She needed to get out of the house.

She had gone into her room thirty minutes ago.

“I know you said I should go out, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t decide what to wear.” She wiped at her face with the back of her arm, but the tears wouldn’t stop. “I don’t know what the weather is like. And I don’t know what fits because I lost so much weight or what would look good with my hair because I changed it and it’s not b-b-blue,” she sobbed, “anymore. And I thought about that dress,” she pointed to a forest green, cotton frock, “but it only looks good in heels and I can’t… I can’t wear heels. And now my face is all red and I can’t even use my glamour and I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to and I just can’t.”

The knight silently crossed the room and knelt on the floor next to her. Then he wrapped his arm around her and let her cry.

[JewellRavenlock]

Tuesdays were bad days.

Three weeks ago, her life had ended on a Tuesday.

Last week, her lover had rejected her on a Tuesday.

She wasn’t even willing to give this Tuesday a chance.

It was late in the afternoon but she hadn’t bothered to get out of bed. It wasn’t worth it. The medicine Ishmerai had injected into her thigh last night, when she couldn’t breathe and her heart was doing that awful thing where it didn’t work, was still lingering in her system, making her brain feel sluggish and her limbs heavy. It had been unfortunately necessary though. Letting him administer the emergency “rescue medication” had been the only way to convince the knight not to bring her straight to the hospital after she had collapsed in the elevator on her way up from the Annex.

The Annex

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.

Someone knocked on her door. She peered up from the pillow she was trying to hide under. Ishmerai was standing there, concern furrowing his brow. He was always concerned these days. “You awake, Mira?”

She nodded, lifting her head and forcing herself to sit up, “Yeah.” She noticed the two pieces of paper in his hand. “Lirssa’s alignment change?” He nodded. That was to be expected. Still, her heart gave an uncomfortable twist. “And what else?”

“A challenge from Old Temple.” He crossed the room to hand them both to her.

She accepted them but did not read them. Not yet. “I'm a little surprised. I didn't think he had the nerve.”

“If he had the nerve to lecture you in public like you are a child…”

“True.”

“And you did banish him. I understand that this is a common countermeasure and well within the rules.”

She nodded, staring down at the two papers. A challenge. It was just a challenge. It was just part of a stupid game. A sport. None of it meant anything. So why did it still hurt so bad? The words on the paper blurred. That was fine. She didn’t want to read them anyway. She did not need to see what her friends had to say to her. Aric had already said enough the night before.

“And if there's anyone that knows what it's like to be close to death... or even die... it's me. But you need to put that aside, and stop ignoring the people that were there for you.”

“Do you want pity? To be babied because you almost died? That you can use that as an excuse to treat people who have done so much for you so badly?”

“This was my attempt at giving you a chance to salvage loyalty. And all you had to do was talk to someone, and say a few words, maybe add an apology, and everything would have been fine. But if you want to act like this, wallowing in whatever it is that's got your head buried, then... so be it.”

All morning, she had tried to think of anything but the things Aric had said and managed to think of nothing else.

She needed to put it aside. She needed to stop wallowing. She needed to just get over it.

Jewell didn’t know how to get over the summoning. She didn’t know how to get over the Namekeeper’s voice in her head, the things the Temple had done to her, or the things they had made her do. She didn’t know how to put aside Kalamere calling to her and the way the iron shiv had felt as it slid between her ribs at the same moment as his lips touched her skin.

She didn’t know how to get over dying or being alive.

“Mira,” he ducked his head to the side to try and catch her eye, “you knew this was a possibility.”

“I know.” She refused to look at him, staring stubbornly at the papers. One line on top caught her eye: “Overlord, do you even know who your friends are anymore?”

Lirssa

“But there is still time to fix it if you want. Make amends. Go back--”

“Back?” The papers curled inside her fist as she looked up at him. “Back to what? Back to what Ishmerai? Our warm friendship of the last year? Back to Lirssa continuing to look at me with resentment over something I didn't stop… oh but wait, neither did she! Back to her keeping me at arm's length except for when it’s convenient or helpful for her not to? For when it serves her ends? Back to her Empress-ing me because she can't… she can’t even stand to say...”

Somewhere in the middle there, her quick anger had turned to hurt and the tears were starting again in earnest. There was a neverending supply.

“She doesn’t want anything to do with me. Even before the other night she didn’t. She couldn’t even look at me the other day.” Her voice trembled and her chest was heaving. “And why would she? Why would anyone want anything to do with me? They saw what I really am.” Kalamere. Mallory. Lirssa. They had all seen her under the influence of her True Name. Aric hadn’t seen her, but he had obviously heard. Alain too. He knew, so he didn’t want to see her either. He didn’t want anything to do with her. His silence and absence said as much. “I tried… I tried to keep them safe. I tried to save them. I asked him to stop me. To kill me. But the Temple… they… they ruined me.”

The knight sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to draw her up against him. “I wish…” she sobbed brokenly, “I wish he would have just let me die.”

[JewellRavenlock]

She could not drink to blur the pain.

She could not fight to numb the pain.

She could not fuck to ignore the pain.

She could not run to escape the pain.

So Jewell did the only thing she knew how to do: she caused herself more pain.

[Sapphire Ravenlock]

Sapphire curled forward. The pressure was starting to get to her. She couldn’t go to sleep at night unless Jewell was asleep. She woke up early to make sure she was awake before her. She got up in the middle of the night to check on her.

The teen was tired. So damn tired.

“It would only be for a few days. Rest. Relax. See your parents. See your friends.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I would have considered it the other day. She seemed to have such a nice time with Val. I thought maybe...” It didn’t really matter what she had thought or hoped. Jewell may take a step or two forward, but then she slid right back to the bottom again. The faerie had seemed more composed when she had come home from an afternoon with Valentina. Then she had another panic attack at the Inn.

She insisted she was fine. They all knew better.

“You saw her arms.”

The knight nodded once. “I did.”

“She’s so stupid!” She leapt up, annoyed. Sapphire grabbed one of the dishes from the wrack and started to dry it off with a towel just to have something to do with her hands. “She can’t even manage a strong enough glamour to cover them.”

Ishmerai watched her, still seated at the kitchen counter. “I know.”

“I mean, what does she think?” She set the mixing bowl down with a loud clatter, still not fully dry, before grabbing the glass measuring cup. “Does she think we’re too stupid to notice or something?”

“She likely hopes we will just ignore it and overlook it.”

“Well… it’s stupid! And careless. And wreckless. Her body is still healing and then she goes and does dumb **** like this.” She set the measuring cup down and threw the towel towards the sink. She couldn’t look at the knight after her little outburst. Her shoulders hunched forward as her fingers found the edge of the countertop and curled around it. “Do you think she’ll… you know,” she couldn’t quite say the words out loud, “do something really stupid?”

“I certainly hope she will not.”

“But you think she will try, don’t you?” He didn’t answer. She turned to look at him. “Merai?”

He sighed. “If she has not attempted it yet, I would like to think that she will not. But she tried it at least once in Faerie. I think there is a chance she might try again.”

If Jewell was going to try something stupid, she couldn’t leave. She wouldn’t. Not even for a day. “I’m staying then. Until she’s better.”

“All right.”

“And she’s going back to therapy too! I don’t care if I have to drag her by her hair.”

[JewellRavenlock]

“And did they touch you without consent?” Silence. “Jewell, did they take advantage of you when you were in that state?”

She stared stonily at the wall of books in Dr. Bronner’s office, her fingers kneading into her thighs. It took her a moment to achieve, but her voice was flat when she spoke, “You saw my medical records. What do you think?”

“I think... you should talk to me about it if you’re ready.”

Her knuckles dug harder into her legs. “I’m not ready.”

“Okay, then we’ll talk about something else.”

[JewellRavenlock]

“And then I thrust at him, hiyah!” she thrust into the air with the spoon in her hand. “Executed a masterful parry that had him begging for mercy on his knees. Ha ha ha ha!” She imitated her parry before tilting her chin up and laughing haughtily over her fallen opponent. “And then I thwap!” the spoon cut through the air, “took off his head with a high cut! Thank you, thank you,” she bowed to the imaginary cheering crowd before spinning to face Jewell. “And that’s how it defeated the mighty Leviathan! What do you think?”

Jewell was staring right through Sapphire to the clock ticking away on the wall. “Do you think he looked okay?”

Sapphire planted her hands on her hips. There was no way Jewell was asking about her opponent this evening. “Arrrghgh! Ma-ma!”

She blinked, focusing on the annoyed teen standing before her with a spoon clenched in her hand. “What?”

“I was telling you about my fight… remember?”

“Oh. Right. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “You’re impossible.” She shoved Jewell’s feet out of her way so she could sit on the couch too. “And he looked fine. I guess. You know, the same.” Jewell nodded and looked away. The teen frowned. “Not wasting away or heartbroken or anything like some people.”

“Good.” She hugged the pillow she was clasping tighter against her chest.

“Did you expect him to be?”

She could hear the edge of frustration creeping into Sapphire’s tone. It was there more and more often. She understood why. The girl was tired of watching her cry. She was tired of watching her be so hurt. So broken.

That was fine. Jewell was tired of crying. She was tired of being hurt. She was tired of being broken. But she didn’t know how to stop. The pain washed over her like a relentless tide, threatening to pull her under.

“No.” She shook her head. “No, I didn’t expect him to be heartbroken at all. Why would he be? I never even touched his heart.” She didn’t sound bitter about it, just sad. She didn’t want Kal to be heartbroken. She really didn’t. She didn’t want him hurt like she was hurt. She had never wanted the power to break his heart. She had broken enough hearts. She didn’t want his too. She had never admitted to him that her very lack of power over him was one of his greatest appeals. Jewell did not want that power over him or anyone else. Not now. Likely not ever.

She was tired of people willing to die for her.

She did want to be missed though. She wanted to be important enough to be missed. Even just a little. It didn’t have to be enough for him to change his mind or even enough to make him regret it. She just wanted him to miss her in little moments when she wasn’t there wrangling dueling practice out of him, stealing him for unplanned lunch dates, stopping by for a late night drink, complimenting him into making her breakfast, and insisting on doing the dishes. She wanted him to miss her laughing over something Rath had done, sweet talking him into going away for the weekend, rubbing salve on his shoulders after a duel, or coaxing him into taking her to the hot springs. She wanted to be missed in the early morning hours when he tried to slide out of bed, unnoticed, on his way to a job and she woke up long enough to tell him, with a sleepy smile, to be careful.

She wanted to be missed just enough to validate that she was worth missing. That she was worth something.

She wanted him to miss her just a little like the way she missed him.

Tears were quickly filling her eyes again. She twisted, raising her shoulder and roughly wiping her cheek against it. If she let them continue, they might never stop. Sapphire sighed, giving her a few moments to cry before nudging at the faerie’s leg with her foot impatiently. Jewell laughed indignantly through her tears, nudging her back. “Stop that.”

“You stop!” She nudged her again. “Come on, mama. He’s not worth it. He’s not worth any of your tears.”

“He feels worth it.” Despite Sapphire’s comments and Ishmerai and Issy’s glowering, she couldn’t make herself feel differently. She couldn’t even make herself think differently.

She was missing her lover. She was missing her friend.

“He feels worth every single one.”

[JewellRavenlock]

“Stop.”

“Nngh.”

“Mira,” he growled, reaching over to grab her hand so she couldn’t poke at the wound on her leg again.

“Hey,” she tried to tug her hand free. When unsuccessful, she merely reached over with her left hand instead and poked at the bandaged wound left behind from her challenge fight against Aric

Pain shot up her leg, making her wince and cringe.

The corners of her lips turned up in a grin.

Tonight had been a good night. She had fought a man almost a foot taller and close to 100 pounds heavier, give or take. Her heart had a hole in it. It was broken. Her muscles were weak. She couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without being winded.

And she had kicked his ass.

She still felt giddy. Exhilarated. Sure, she had pretty much collapsed immediately afterwards, and Sal had to carry her out of the Arena and Ishmerai had to inject the rescue medicine into her leg again because her chest hurt so bad they were afraid she was having another heart attack, but it had been worth it.

She dug her finger harder into the wound Aric’s axe had left behind,luxuriating in the pain.

So worth it.

“Ugh, you are impossible.” The knight released her right hand and sat back, watching her agitate the cut until blood stained the thick bandages. “Why must you do that?”

“Because.” She winced, giving it one more jab with her pointer finger. There were so many reasons. Because the pain distracted her from everything going on in her head. Because it helped her focus. Because it reminded her that she was alive. Because it reminded her that she was strong. Because it blocked out the voice of the Namekeeper and made her forget a stranger’s touch. Because it let her ignore the far greater pain in her heart.

“Because what? What Mira?”

“Because it makes me feel real.”

[JewellRavenlock]

“Wait, so you just sat there quietly while he flirted with another woman?”

She shrugged.

“You just sat there while he flirted with that trashy blonde again?”

She frowned, drawing her knees closer to her chest with her arm around her legs.

“And you didn’t say a damn thing?”

“Language,” she sighed out.

“Mama, COME ON! You are the ****ING EMPRESS--”

“Language!”

“--for ****’s sake! Give me a break. Stop pining over some guy who is either too blind to see what you’re worth or too much of a coward or…” she grasped for the right thing to say, “whatever the hell is wrong with him.”

“There’s nothing wrong with him, Sapphire.” She sighed again, resting her chin on her knees and closing her eyes. She was so tired. “It’s just me. There’s something wrong with me.”