Ama Me Ferociter (July 2016)

[Claire Gallows]

(Rated 18+ for some adult themes)

It wasn't always babies and cuteness. It wasn't always the tangle of sweaty limbs, dirty talk, and the ecstatic screams of multiple orgasms. Some nights? Well, some nights were for doing the best impression of a pillow or a blanket, one under and one over, during the repetitious roll of movies. It was cuddling and spooning, making out like teenagers and a little heavy petting. The sex would come sooner than later, but in those moments that preceded it, the memories made were every bit as good.

The lemonade was sweet. Claire's kisses were sweeter, when her mouth found his between the more gripping or entertaining parts of the movie. She even giggled once when he groped her, a sound that died as a low groan before the cowboy decided to behave of his own accord and just soak up more of the ambience. There was a glimmer in her aquamarine eyes, something he spotted by chance during the bright flash of the scream against the backdrop of the dark living room. It made him want to kiss her again.

So he did.

It was long, slow, and full of a promise that things were escalating rapidly with the knowledge that the twins would be getting dropped off soon. One last hard romp that didn't require him to cover her mouth with his hand. The kiss became more fervent, with his hand slipping beneath the hem of her shirt to tease warm skin, her delicious sounds coming with her own hand traveling down towards....

And then her phone went off.

The mutual groan into one another's mouths quickly came after, subsiding into a rough chuckle as his hand was freed up to reach of her phone. He had to break the kiss to check the screen, one dark brow arching for the text that showed up.

"S' yo' friend Raven. She said she'd be willin' t' keep the twins t'night if'n we'd take Addie fo' a night next weekend."

Cockblocked by technology. Such was life in the modern age. As he reached for her phone, she buried her face against his chest with a sigh, inhaling the earthy scent of him while awaiting the verdict of who she had to strangle the next time she saw them.

Raven.

Claire swallowed and lifted her head to look up at him, both well groomed brows rising with the proposition. The temptation of a night with her paramour sans wee bits was a heavy draw. Holding her lip between her teeth, she glanced from the cowboy's profile to the phone in his hand, the device looking comically small in his oversized mitt. Teasing hands went a'roamin', tracing over hard muscles and straining denim alike as she clucked her tongue against the back of her teeth.

"Whatcha think?" She asked, mumbled beside his ear in just such a way that already answered the question for him. "The twins'll have fun with Addie, yeah?"

"I had a thing or two I've been wantin' t' do t' you," he conceded with a quiet rumble. "That'd be better served with no interruptions. So m' game. And little Addie seems like a sweetheart. We can take her next weekend. Cool?"

He handed her the phone. "Give her a call."

It freed up his hands, which eased right up over her hips to grope at her backside, his face dipping to press against her neck. There, his teeth and tongue could work their playful magic.

"Just a thing or two?" She teased him with a smile, wriggling into a more upright position to prepare for making the call. "Adelaide's my home girl and if push comes to shove, it's a good excuse to hop her up on sugar and send her home."

Phone in hand, she punched the Call button straight from the text message thread and drew it up to pin the device between her shoulder and ear. Fingers did plenty of lighthearted swatting at his teasing, trying to keep him from being too much of a distraction. Thankfully she cut off a growing groan just as the call connected.

"Hey, figured this was... nnn, easier than texting back and forth. You sure tonight's good for you to keep 'em? ... ... Yeah? I don't even know what's big about Fourth of July but they've got fireworks but hey, if that means a long weekend good on you.... ... uh huh... well, yeah then. Find by us. What time do you wanna bring them by in the morning? ... Yeah? Just come by the Owl, we'll set 'em all up with lunch. Um, Rave? They gonna be with just you that whole time? ... Uh huh, yeah. I know, I'm paranoid, just looking out. ... You can say I'm not paranoid all you want but I know I am. ... Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. You'll let me know if you need anything at all, right? ... No, not just for them, you too. ...Okay, okay. ...Uh huh. I'll tell him, don't worry. My phone'll be on if you need anything. ...Okay. Later hun. ...Mhm.... Buh-bye." Treating Cooper to a mostly one sided conversation, she finally hung up and dropped the phone on the couch's arm so she had her hands free once more.

"Alright. That's done, I suppose."

He teased her neck as she talked, teeth worrying at her tender flesh and leaving little marks as he did his best to distract her. The playfulness subsided some as things grew a little more serious in the conversation and when she finally ended the call and set the phone aside, she found herself nose to nose with the cowboy.

"Somethin's wrong. Spit it out."

Aquamarines rounded wide at his sudden proximity, the shift in mood helped hang a frown on her mouth that paired well with the tight shrug of one shoulder and the aversion of her gaze from his. "Mmm, nothing in particular I suppose. I just worry about her but she's so damn... independent that any help I try to offer is pretty much shot down. Hate feeling like I can't help, you know? Especially... yeah. Just, yeah. I hate it."

"She seems like a strong enough sort," Cooper replied, reaching up to comb thick fingers through her unbound hair. "S' got y' so worried 'bout here?"

Amidst their teenageresque heavy petting, her already untamable locks were plenty mussed and tangled and gave him more than enough to work through with each pass of his fingers. Her mouth felt rather dry and the lick of her lips did little to help. Again she shrugged. "Because I wasn't always there for her like I should've been... Zack either... but she's my friend and the mother of my god daughter. Gotta make sure she's... I guess... okay after everything..."

"Oh." He paused at that, tipped his head forward to rest his forehead against hers. "Yeah. There's that. Ain't no easy thing, stuff like that. S' tough row t' hoe but she seems like the type t' bounce back. Zack, he's a harder read. I dunno."

"He's... I dunno. I'm not sure what he was thinking..." Cooper was a calming force, the touch of his head to hers helping her to steady the rising hammer's pace in her chest. "I thought by... nnnngh. I don't know. Feel like it's my fault."

"'Cause they didn't work out?" His brows rose slowly. "You're pretty ****in' amazin', Slugger, but even takin' everything into account, y' probably can't just chalk it up t' yo' choices. Gotta give them both some'a the credit. And ain't no one perfect. No relationship is perfect."

Claire curled her legs beneath her and shook her head, turning away from him to grab for a half drank beer that had long since gone warm due to neglect. "I know that. But... but..." Her words felt thick on her tongue and even a swig from the bottle wasn't enough to wash the bitter taste of them away. Instead she decided to spit them out. "He and I had... a thing."

[Claire Gallows]

His hands were firm in the way they rested on her hips and for a time, he was silent until it was almost as if he were judging her. That was until, in true Cooper fashion, he dropped a little surprising wisdom on her. "Yeah, I know. And? Y' gonna let him escape any responsibility fo' the part he played in it? How long they been apart? Who's he shackin' up with now? We really gonna try t' just pick at yo' character here?"

For all that she wanted to squirm under the weight of impending judgment, she kept her chin lifted and her shoulders set in preparation. It was the sort of thing that changed how people looked at you, how they weighed your worth as a person. Instead he dropped a different sort of bomb on her. He knew. They hadn't been the most subtle at times but had they really been that blatant? Claire turned her head to gape at him, her mouth hanging ajar enough that said had it not been pinned on its hinges that it would have hit the floor otherwise. "Wait... you knew? Did he tell you?"

The rest she didn't touch. Not yet anyways.

"Darlin'," he breathed the words against her mouth during a kiss he drew her down into. "I can smell Avy's soiled diaper from a hundred yards away in a busy store. Do y' think I couldn't smell Zack all over you when you were standin' right next t' me all those times? I might not've see the visual cues, but I could smell what was goin' on without a doubt. No one needed t' say a thing."

Big hands smoothed over her back reassuringly, soothing her as best he could with a gentle massage of fingers.

He was kissing her but she was caught between stunned and mortified so she settled for the best response possible. She reached up and pinched at the sniffer that had given her away. Beep, beep. It was easily enough to ruin a sweet kiss and the taste of beer on her tongue and it gave her the chance to drop her chin and bury her face against his chest. "I loved him, I did. Probably still do in some way. But I couldn't see him anymore, not like that. Not when every time I looked at him... I thought of... ****. What I lost."

Four months later and she still had trouble saying Noct's name out loud. A soft exhale puffed hot air against his chest.

"I told him I couldn't anymore and he... he took it. He didn't fight me on it... I think he understood to a point because our friendship was there first. I... I thought, you know. That maybe even though I couldn't have my happy ending that maybe he and Raven could. But then things ended with them too and I just... it's like, what was the point, you know? Instead everyone ends up broken and left to pick up the pieces."

"Love doesn't die, Claire," he told her softly, stroking her hair. "It just changes. S' like energy. It never really goes away, it just turns into somethin' else. M' not gonna judge what happened between the both'a you. Ain't muh place. It happened. *** happens. Life happens. Death happens. All three'a these things're absolute. Ain't no such thing as fo'ever and all we can do is the best with the time the universe gives us. Live and love fiercely. But..."

Because someone had to say it. "That he was willing t' move on so quick from the both'a you, and so soon, what does that say 'bout where his head is at? Can't say I know."

He leaned in to kiss the crown of her head. "Broken pieces can be put back together with enough patience and effort, Slugger..."

"Somethin' else," she repeated with a gentle bobble of her head. It was something else all right. What that was, she still hadn't decided, but something else suited it. After that she went quiet, her head bowed against his chest and the steadiness that he offered. Cooper made it so easy to not only open up but to also keep her wits about her when she did rather than let herself drown in the wash of typically tucked away emotions. The movement of his mouth against the crown of pink had her lifting her head just slightly to peek up at him.

"We all deal with our pain in our own ways. I... I can't honestly answer that either but who am I to judge... look at us..." Her chest tightened and her lips thinned into a tight line that drained their color until they were a pale shade of pink that bordered on white. "I can't say a word without being a ****ing hypocrite even though I see how bad she's hurting. I wanna shake him, but I can't. Because look at us. And... and you make me so happy but I sit here and feel like I'm not worthy of it, like I don't deserve it for the things I've done. So... I worry and fret and try to help when I know it's not wanted. Because maybe that'll atone for it, you know?"

"Claire..." He stroked her cheek. "T' live and breath and think and feel is t' be a hypocrite. Ain't none'a us who can escape it. S' all by degrees and depends on the circumstances. We're all a little ****ed up. A little flawed. Plenty fallible. I could make a half dozen excuses right now fo' yo' behavior, but what's the point? Y' look at the things y' done you're not proud of and ask how y' deserve happiness? I look at the person I've come t' know and adore and ask... how' the *** can y' not deserve t' he happy every day fo' the rest'a yo' days.

"Because. Because..." She answered. Because. A single word that held the key to so much more. It was right behind a floodgate of a large portion of the Claire that she had long since hid away from the glaring lights of day to day life. It was easy to rock on that precipice, right on the verge of exposing the most raw nerves. A stiff breeze could have persuaded her right on over the edge. There she lingered, contemplative in her silence and stuck at the fork of More and Easy. They were paths forged before but there were also sayings about such things. At the last moment, she decided to blaze a new trail, tipping her chin up to capture his beard framed mouth for a short but insistent kiss.

"But I'll try to accept that. I'll try."

"You're someone who loves fiercely and deserve t' be loved just like that, no matter what happened then or what's happenin' now. That Raven still wants t' be part'a yo' life, well, that says somethin' pretty profound 'bout you as much as it does her, Slugger. Don't discount that. S' important. Speaks t' yo' character." He rumbled for the kiss. "Try. Then do. All it takes time and desire."

[Claire Gallows]

About that.

"Even if she didn't want to be, we're tied together for as long as we live. May as well make the most of it, right?" Because that wasn't cryptic or anything. Another kiss stolen was punctuated with a bump of her forehead against his. "You sound like that green frog from that Space Wars movie."

"She don't strike me as the type. If'n she wanted t' be done with you, she'd be done. And vice versa." She could have been as cryptic as she pleased, but the cowboy wasn't concerning himself with the things left unspoken. All things in their time. Instead, he snorted for her comparison and pinched her. "Don't make fun'a Star Wars, woman. S' a classic."

"No, I mean like... um... okay, so. Story time. You ready for this? I'll get the fishy crackers if I have to." She sat up a little straighter, squirming away from pinching fingers to fix him with an intent stare of clear eyes. "Here like... ***, how long has it been? Two years? Maybe a little more? Yeah, something like that. Anyways, Rave went missing. Just gone in the middle of the night. No note, no explanation, nothing. Zack was a wreck... different times I guess. It was about a month after the... incident... on the Overlord's Isle and when I left. So... I had a little more reach than I did before. It... it wasn't quite enough though and I didn't get to her in time."

Claire sucked in a steadying breath, exhaling it slowly before continuing. "She died. But I wasn't so late that I couldn't undo it... I took care of those responsible and then took her to Valhalla. I'd never, um, never done anything like that before and it's breaking a lot of rules, ya know? But I had to do it. For Zack. For Addie. For..." She trailed off with a shake of her head. "Anyways. I didn't have everything I needed so I had to... improvise, I guess. I filled in the gaps with what I had which was myself. And it worked! It worked and all it cost me was a little sliver of myself for the chance to make sure Adelaide had her mom and Zack had his fiancee. But that piece will always be me and mine and I think... I think that's why I understand her pain so much better, because I feel it too. And, wow, okay, don't check me into the asylum, I promise I'm not insane. Well... not fully at least."

She tipped a hesitant look up at him, the left corner of her lip pinned by her teeth. The stories were outrageous, incredible and difficult to believe. But it was her life and so she laid bare one of many threads that held her together, subjecting it to his scrutiny and judgment without a care as to what he would think until it was too late and it was all spilled.

"We're tied together, she and I. Do you... do you see it now?"

[Claire Gallows]

Cooper, for his part, listened in silence. Occasionally his head bobbed in understanding of some small point, but without commenting or delving further into her explanation. The lack of commentary spoke volumes for what the big man might have or might not have understood about what Claire had done. Maybe not the mechanics, though she might have been surprised, but the intent and the outcome.

But in his own way, Cooper told her he understood when he said finally: "Somewhere in there, in the moment I try t' bring y' back into somethin' a little happier, I ask if'n she can feel everything you feel and somethin'-somethin'-somethin' 'bout seein' y' two tied together..."

See? No judgement.

Thwack! She smacked him on the chest with just her fingers, her palm held back from impact.

"For the love of Etro, Cooper, seriously?" Another swat before she leaned in to brush a chaste kiss to the edge of his mouth. Claire leaned back to pin him with an exasperated sigh and a subtle smile. "You're ridiculous."

"So're you fo' thinkin' that muh opinion'a you hangs on the precipice'a the things you're tellin' me." He snapped his teeth at her and sank twin sets of fingers into her hair, grasping lightly. It allowed him to look right up into her eyes. "Y' do so much good, woman, and all y' wanna do is hang yo'self from the gallows'a the few mistakes you've made. Really? Get over yo'self, Slugger. You're not so terrible as y' think."

"What is an opinion but a collection of snap judgments and reactions? Is it so far fetched to think that once the glow of shiny and new fades that maybe you'll see I'm not all sunshine and gold?" The slight rock back in response to clattering teeth was soon corrected by the draw of thick hands in tangled hair tipping her visage up until its angle aligned with his own. "I've done a lotta good. A lot. Also done a lot of bad. But isn't that the balance of life? You just gotta figure out which side weighs more. Gonna do my best to make sure there's no question."

"You're not all sunshine and gold. You've told me plenty. And you're forgettin' who was here t' pick up the pieces when... yeah. Claire, I see the good and the bad and, surprise surprise, here I am still tangled up on yo' couch with you."

"Perhaps you're the one that needs to be checked into the asylum then huh?" She teased softly, gaze lingering on his to drink in every subtle change. "Okay."

Claire went quiet again. That was seldom a good thing with idle hands and an active mind. Finally she spoke again. "I had someone tell me once that the only thing I'm capable of is dragging those that care about me down because I'm weak and dependent on those that're stronger than me. I know now he was full of piss and vinegar but... the last thing I want to do is... that. To you especially. Just... be patient for me? All I ask."

"Ain't got no intentions'a goin' anywhere, the universe be damned. Got an investment in livin' and while my not gonna go all movie screen romance and pin it all on you, you and the twins are still one hell of an incentive. So, relax. I'll be here, so long as you'll let me. Okay?" He pulled her chest down flush against his and hugged her tightly.

He didn't feel breakable, not when he tugged her close like he had. Broad of chest, thick of limb, she was safe in his grasp, content to let silence fall in the comfortable way that she found came so easily with him. Safe. He was a fighter no matter his docile inclinations, whether it be for her, the kids, or for life in general.

He was a warrior.

He wasn't breakable.

She just had to keep telling herself that.

"Okay."

But that didn't keep her from worrying just the same.