Time and Time Again

[XanthVanBokkelen]

October 9th, 2023


Melvin, Xanth’s pet bat, was hanging in the rafters of one of Xanth’s laboratories in the Tower of Air, trying to take a nap. He shot a look
downwards with one of his beady eyes in annoyance at Varseen and Vallen, Xanth’s goblin henchmen, who were fiddling with a television
screen connected to an apparatus that Xanth had been working on for some weeks.

“Maybe if I twist this knob here . . . “ Varseen said.

“Hurry up, we’re going to miss the opening of “People Falling Down Stairs”!” Vallen peered over Varseen’s shoulder, holding a bowl of tomato
soup. Suddenly the screen sprang to life. A female orc announcer wearing a gold, sparkly costume began to speak. “Welcome all you monsters
and creatures out there to this week’s episode of “People Falling Down Stairs!” Do we have some falling down stairs fun for you today! Our first
clip is from Gretaka, a goblin housemaid in New Haven. Her boss got up on the wrong side of the bed, and she soon found herself on the wrong
side of the stairs! Take a look . . . “

The scene cuts to the interior of a well-to-do house, and a flight of varnished, oaken stairs. A human woman appears at the top, wearing a bathrobe, pajamas, and pink bunny slippers. “GRETAKAAAA!!! WHERE’S MY COFFEE! I swear if I don’t get . . .” On her first step down she trips, bounces a few steps down, her bunny slippers sail into the air, and she lands with a whump at the bottom, staring up at the ceiling with a dazed, cross-eyed look.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” The goblins laugh.

“Did you see the way her slippers went flying?” Varseen said, elbowing Vallen. “Man, I love this show!”

“Hey, watch it!” Vallen said, juggling his bowl of tomato soup.

What are you two morons doing? Who gave your permission to touch my scientific device? Xanth popped up over the television screen and glared down at the two goblins.

“AAAAH! We-we’re sorry, Lord Xanth! We wanted to watch one of our favorite TV programs!” Vallen tried to explain.

Television. What a complete waste of time. Keep your grubby fingers off of this machine. I have invested too much time and energy in this endeavor for you to ruin it with your perpetual blundering.

“What does this machine do?” Varseen questioned. He stared at the various wires, tube, and gizmos attached.

Xanth grunted. I doubt you could understand the intricacies of my design, but I will attempt an explanation. When I used the Inter-Dimensional Chalk to visit a previous version of myself, I got an idea. I could use the Chalk to intrude on any Library I wanted and leave without anyone knowing. The problem with the Chalk, however, was twofold. First, I had to knock and get someone to open the door from the other side, completely defeating the plan of secrecy. Two, being a magical item, it could leave behind a magical residue that would be easily traced. Therefore, I created this . . . it is a Time Dilation Machine. Time moves slower in places effected by extreme gravitational pull. The hypothesis is to generate an increased gravitational field with this device in a particular area, so that time slows down. Therefore, I can covertly enter the area, take whatever books . . . objects I desire, and leave. Turning off the machine will cause time to snap back in place and no one will be the wiser. HmmHmmHaHaHaHa! He rubs his black gloves in evil glee.

Varseen looks off to the side, then back at Xanth. “Won’t that slowed down time effect you as well if you enter the field?” He asked.

Indeed. I have not gotten that far in my research yet. Xanth admitted, crossing his arms pensively.

“Ah, you’ll figure it out, you’re Xanth . . . “ Vallen casually put his bowl of tomato soup on top of the television screen.

Get that off of there! This is highly sophisticated equipment . . .

In his haste to remove the bowl, Vallen fumbled and spilled the soup all over the machine. A cloud of sparks and smoke shot up into the air, and instantly a blue field of gravitational energy sprang to life within the room.

IIIIIIMMMMMGGGGGGOOOOONNNNNNAAAAAAKKKKKIIIIIILLLLLLLLYYYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUU Xanth said, albeit in slow motion, trying to get his hands on Vallen.

“tttttoooooommmmmmaaaaaaaattttttttooooooosssssssooooooouuuuuupppppp”, Vallen tried to explain.

HHHHHHOOOOOORRRRRRRRSSSSSSEEEEEESSSSSSSAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, Xanth replied.

Melvin opened both his eyes and watched, stupified, before he screeched in shock at what had happened. Spreading his wings, he sailed
downwards and made for the emergency shut-off switch on the far wall. Landing both feet on it, the machine abruptly powered down, the blue field shrinking and disappearing.

Freed from the field, Xanth grabbed Vallen by the scruff of the neck and drug him over to a window. He shoved him out head first, then grabbed his ankles, dangling him a dangerous distance away from the ground.

You incessant bungler! Do not ever touch one of my inventions again! Ever! Or I will dash what little brains you have out, you interfering ignoramus! Melvin had landed on Xanth’s shoulder and was glaring at Vallen along with Xanth.

“WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” Vallen screamed, waving his arms around like a windmill.

Now get your sorry carcass in here and clean up this mess! Every bit of it! Xanth hauled Vallen back in and shoved him at the device. Xanth then stormed out of the room with Melvin, slamming the door behind him.

Varseen watched him go, then looked back at Vallen. “Are you alright?”

Vallen was gasping in fear. “Yeah, I thought I was a goner . . . . Hey! I just got an idea! We can make a television show! “People Being Held Out Windows”! Think of it, we’ll make a fortune! Next time this happens, get your camera phone out!”

“Right!” Varseen agreed.